thankful

Today as I was driving home from meeting with a client, I started thinking about how down and broken I have been feeling lately, and then I started to think of all the things that I am thankful for in my life, versus all the negative that has brought me down in spirit recently.

Here is my list of thankfulness:

I am thankful for my family
I am thankful for my growing relationship with my Jesus
I am thankful for my Gram Cracker.
I am thankful for the example of what type of woman I want to be she has set for me.
I am thankful for my wonderful pups
I am thankful for every person in my life who supports and loves me
I am thankful for all the friends I have that I didn't know truly cared for me
I am thankful for my true best friend Carrie
I am thankful for cool fall days like today
I am thankful for the sunlight that falls upon my face while I drive
I am thankful for the constant flow of work that comes my way
I am thankful for all of my clients
I am thankful for my health
I am thankful for all the people who have come in and out of my life, whether it was good or bad
I am thankful for all the experiences I have had in my short time on earth, whether they were good or bad
I am thankful for my car, and that even though it's old and sometimes falling a part, it still gets me to and from where I need to go
I am thankful for my job
I am thankful for my ability to afford school
I am thankful for my church
I am thankful for coffee
I am thankful for my comfy bed that I get to sleep in every night
I am thankful for hugs, especially from my daddy
I am thankful for every blessing, whether it's big or small, that God has blessed me with
I am thankful for the time I did have with my momma, even though I wish I had her here longer, I am still thankful for the time God did allow me to have her in my life and for all that she taught me, good and bad, and for how wonderful of an example she was as a mother, even though she made mistakes.
I am thankful for all the good memories with her.
I am thankful for the love that she had for my sisters and I.
I am thankful for the childhood memories that her and my dad gave our family.
I am thankful for how special she made every holiday or birthday.
I am thankful for every laugh or giggle I have and continue to experience.
I am thankful for every smile I experience.
I am thankful for every tear I have shed, even though at the time I am hurting or sad, with out any of those tears I wouldn't be or have learned from any of it.
I am thankful for every heart ache I have endured, as painful as they were and currently are, I know that there is always something to learn from them all.
I am thankful for what ever plan God has for me.
I am thankful for every breathe I take.
I am thankful for music, it brings my soul alive.
I am thankful for my education.
I am thankful for everything in my life.

I am so thankful for my God. He has a plan for me, and I may not understand it at times, but I know and trust in the end that everything will be okay. I know that God will wrap his arms around me and hold me tight through all my trials, just like he is doing so right now. I may still have times where I feel utterly alone, but there is always the comfort of knowing that as alone as I may be and feel at times, God is always by my side, holding my hand and preparing me for my future.

Jesus is so good, he knows what he is doing, and most importantly I am so thankful to have him in my life.

psalm 34

¹ I will praise the Lord at all times.
I will constantly speak his praises.
² I will boast only in the Lord;
let all who are helpless take heart.
³ Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;
let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
⁵ Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
⁶ In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
he saved me from all my troubles.
⁷ For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
he surrounds and defends all who fear him.

⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
⁹ Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
for those who fear him will have all they need.
¹⁰ Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,
but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.

¹¹ Come, my children, and listen to me,
and I will teach you to fear the Lord.
¹² Does anyone want to live a life
that is long and prosperous?
¹³ Then keep your tongue from speaking evil
and your lips from telling lies!
¹⁴ Turn away from evil and do good.
Search for peace, and work to maintain it.

¹⁵ The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right;
his ears are open to their cries for help.
¹⁶ But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil;
he will erase their memory from the earth.
¹⁷ The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

¹⁹ The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.
²⁰ For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous;
not one of them is broken!

²¹ Calamity will surely overtake the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be punished.
²² But the Lord will redeem those who serve him.
No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

I read this psalm tonight because it's required for my "Torn" journey, and I found it befitting because I had previously read this psalm a few weeks ago to help me get through my current situation. I felt God speaking to me in all the areas that I made BOLD.

The one that helps sooth the pain and heart ache I experience daily is this part of that psalm:

¹⁷ The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Especially the last verse, The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

I have with out a doubt been feeling crushed and broken. That is the only way to truly describe how I feel.

There are days where I feel hopeful and upbeat, but some time through out each day, mainly when I am by myself I feel completely broken. Sometimes I feel as if I am unable to be fixed. I feel like my heart will never fully heal and my hope and trust in men will never fully come back.

Deep down I know that God has a plan for me and that God is holding my hand through this trial in my life, but I still have my flesh feelings of feeling depressed and feeling hopeless.

It is difficult to not feel that way. I just have to keep telling myself to put all my faith in God and to continue to move forward. I will continue to grow in my faith with my sweet Jesus. He is such a loving God and he loves me more than I will ever truly know. No matter how broken and hopeless I feel, it's comforting to know that I am wanted by my Jesus, and I am truly loved by Him.

God will never not love me, he will always want me as his, he will always hold my hand and be by my side. God will never abandon me, he will never leave me, he will never not want me.

God will forever love me, with all my flaws and all my mistakes.

"Torn" 30 day series, day 1

My church is doing a 30 day series called "Torn" and my family and I started our small group back up so that we can be a part of the series. We meet for the first time this coming Sunday and I am really looking forward to it.

I feel like this experience is going to help me grow deeper in my faith and bring me closer to God. With all that has been going on in my life the past month and a half, I feel like this series is God's way of speaking to me and helping me heal through this rough time in my life.
Today I started my reading for our weekly discussion. I was 2 days behind on beginning my reading, so tonight I did all my reading for the 2 days I missed and for day 3.

Right before I started reading I asked God to open my heart and let me take in all that he wants me to get out of this experience. I asked him to guide me and to speak to me thru this journey.
As I was reading I found myself re-reading certain parts in the book and then I was grabbing my highlighter and highlighting those sections or sayings. This whole series is hitting very close to home for me right now, especially because currently I have been feeling extremely "torn."

This whole "torn" series is based around the times in your life that you experience darkness that leaves you wondering if you will ever find "normal" again or look toward the future with hope. In the readings that our pastor wrote, he explores people's questions as well as God's answers, and God's mysteries. I truly feel as if this whole series is taking place at the perfect time and place in my life, because I have been one of those people that is currently experiencing darkness and questions if I will ever look toward my future with hope. I've noticed the more I immerse myself into my relationship with my Jesus and the more I look to him and lean on him and put my trust in him, the more hopeful I feel. I feel happier, I feel as if I will get thru this "season" in my life. My Jesus gives me hope, especially because the love that he has for me is unlike any love I will ever experience from any person in my life. It's overwhelming and hard to even understand that my God loves me so much that he sent his son Jesus to die for me and my sins. God is extraordinary and he is so good. His love is unlike any love anyone will ever experience and I am so thankful for his love for me.

Here are a few parts that stuck out to me in my reading tonight:

Does why bring healing? Does why bring closure? Rarely. Why keeps you in the past and blocks you from moving forward. Why keeps you stuck in the pain and chokes out the potential to heal.

Healing is found in worship.

Paul says, "We can rejoice...when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."

Trust God's promises. Trust him even in the darkest hour, and worship him. He is in the lead, holding out his hand for you to follow him. He may lead you through the valley of the shadow of death, but he won't leave you there.


^ That last part is so true. It leaves me with such a comforting feeling, a sense of peace.

I will not try and fix my problems on my own, I will hand then over to Him and put all my faith in to Him.

work and thunder storms

Currently at work and all I can hear is the loud thunder above our office. Today the weather is absolutely perfect out. It feels like Fall finally, oh how I love fall season. It makes me feel so happy. It's even more perfect that it's overcast and it's been slightly sprinkling on and off all day by my office and I've been able to listen to thunder while working.

We all went out to check out the thunder

There is just something about overcast weather and rain that make my heart do a happy dance.

I think it's because any time it rains it reminds me of my childhood and how every time it would rain my mom would take us outside and we'd dance in the street while it poured. If we were at school all day while it was raining, when we would get home she'd have hot zucchini soup waiting for us. ::It was amazingly good::

I would love to be sitting at home right now, curled up in a blanket with some hot coffee watching the rain trickle down against my window.

But I am perfectly happy standing outside my office with the pup watching the rain and seeing/hearing the beautiful lightning and thunder.

enjoying the rain

Of course the pup enjoys watching the rain but when the crackling from the thunder hits she gets up and runs back in to the office, and then peeks out after a minute to see if it's gone.

hiding weim :)

Once I tell her it's okay she comes running back out and resumes sitting with me while watching the rain until the next roar of thunder hits.

she finally came back out to watch the rain some more

When it rains like this it is a reminder to me of how great God is and how he has created all of this. He is so powerful and creates such beautiful things. He is such an awesome God.

so long weekend

This weekend was definitely a busy one. Saturday I was attempting to sleep in until at least 10am because I was out the night before with my sister and we were out late. (Not common for me to go out) So when we got home Friday night I made sure to set my alarm for 10am-ish but I didn't have anything I had to do until 3:30 that afternoon, so I was all for sleeping late. Well Saturday morning I was woken up to my phone ringing at 7:30am. I was so exhausted that it took me a minute to realize when I answered that it was my sweet little gram cracker. She was calling to check on me and see how I have been doing.

::my relationship of 5 & 1/2 years ended out of no where and I was pretty much blind sided...so I've been having a difficult time, especially because I don't really know what happened.::

Anyway my gram cracker called to see how I was and of course to chit chat on the phone for a bit. After talking to her for about 45 minutes she had to go so we hung up. I laid my head back down to try and fall back asleep...and I was unsuccessful at doing so. I ended up getting up and going in to my sisters room to see what she was up to. We ended up laying in bed for the rest of the morning laughing and making jokes while watching T.V. and then muting the T.V. to listen to our neighbors fight. The most bizarre commercials kept coming on. We would watch them and just laugh hysterically. We laughed to the point that our sides hurt. I love that kind of laughter.

We finally decided to get out of bed and get ready for the day around 11. We went to visit our step mom and then on our way back to our apartment we stopped by the grocery store so I could pick up some props for an engagement session I had that afternoon. We also grabbed some coffee since we were both completely exhausted. Even though we were super tired it was such a good morning. We don't get a lot of one on one sister time, so it was very enjoyable.

By the time we got home I had to pack up my gear and props and change to go to my shoot. I photographed a good friend of mine's engagement photos Saturday. They turned out absolutely stunning and all the props I used and how I set it up turned out exactly how I wanted them to.

some of the props I used during the shoot

this is a shot from the engagement shoot I did, you can see it in full by clicking here

After I wrapped up my shoot I got home and was ready to call it a day when I got a phone call from my dad asking me if I could help him and my step mom go pick up a piece of furniture and move it out of someone's house so that they could take it to their house.
Instead of taking a shower after my shoot, which I definitely needed from laying in the grass to get the perfect shot and it being 100 degrees out I was due for a shower, but instead I just threw on some old clothes and headed out to move some furniture.

I have a lot of bruises that have popped up in the past day. You would think that I had been in a fight or abused because of all the bruises I have and how big some of them are.

Anyway after we moved the furniture we got back to my dads house and we sat in the front living room talking and relaxing while we listened to some classical music. It was very relaxing and so nice to just sit around and talk as a family. I love family time like that.

Sunday aka: Today was pretty busy too. I woke up early, got ready for church and to meet a client afterwards to discuss a wedding and I quickly headed out. I was running behind for church and I am not a fan of walking in late to service and having to shimmy past people that have to get up to let me in so I can sit at the seat my dad saved for me. So instead I went to the church coffee shop and picked up my book for the 30 day "Torn" series we are doing as a church and then I grabbed a coffee to wake me up. I sat and talked with a friend while I waited for service to end and then I met up with my dad and step mom to sit and enjoy our coffee for a bit.

headed to church

Once it got close to noon I had to run to go meet a client, but my client ended up spacing our appointment so we had to reschedule. It was a bummer but it also allowed me to go home and study for my midterm that I had to take today before midnight. So I got home and started studying. I kept getting distracted from studying by either music, emails, or Facebook. haha I am not very good at studying. Finally I decided to just take my midterm because I couldn't keep my attention long enough to study. I finished my midterm online in 1hr and 30 mins. I didn't think that it would take that long but there were 8 questions and I had to explain different terms and then give examples of each. Overall though I think I did really well, but I won't know until I go to class on Wednesday.

After I finished my midterm I went over to my dads for dinner. It was so nice to sit down as a family (minus my sisters not being there) and eat dinner and talk with out the T.V. being on. After dinner we went and sat in the front living room again and listened to smooth jazz and then some old school Mariah Carey (I LOVE her old albums...such as her Butterfly album)

I hung out for a bit at my dads and then I finally headed home and I've been answering e-mails, trying to read, listening to music, and editing some photos ever since.

Now I am up late because I feel restless. I know in the morning I will be regretting having been up late and I will be wishing that I could sleep in. Maybe I'll be able to fall asleep early tomorrow night ::doubt it:: All I know is I will definitely be needing coffee to function tomorrow. :)

editing & iTunes

And hey, there is always next weekend to sleep in and possibly relax....but most likely I will find things to keep me busy. :)

my friday via pictures

I wake up to this every morning, today he was being extra cute though.

It's finally starting to feel like Fall weather, which means beanies & boots!

Big sisters always know how to make you smile when you're having a rough patch in life.

Lunch...that ended up making me feel sick, I think it was the bacon.

Driving home from work, I love when the sky is full of clouds.

Friday night out at the Forum Shops. Had a few drinks & did some shopping.

My sister & I being Sweet

then Sour

My sister and her boyfran :)

<3

We love "moustaches"

and this happened ( I got my tragus pierced. Love it!)

Broken

I feel like some one very close to me has died. That is the only way to describe how I am feeling. I have never felt more lost and shattered in my life. I know that in the end I will be okay, but right now I feel hopeless and broken. So broken. My relationship of 5 and 1/2 years just ended. The love of my life is no longer a part of my life. It makes me sick to say that. It feels unreal. I feel numb. I feel like I am dreaming. It's such a horrible dream that I wish I could wake up from, but unfortunately it is reality.

The only thing that helps through this whole thing is this:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

I have to keep repeating it to myself.

God loves me. God wants me to be happy.