what is love...

That verse in the Bible truly sums up what love is....now if only I could find it.

Goodnight.

day trip to utah via pictures

Decided when I woke up this morning, (more like afternoon since I didn't wake up until noon...sheesh), that I was going to take the day and drive up to Utah to see my Gram Cracker for a few hours and then come back home.

I seriously LOVE random trips up to see her, especially when it's a surprise and she has no idea. The look on her face when she sees me at her front door is priceless and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

She is such a special and important person in my life. I would do anything for her. She has such a sweet soul and I am so blessed to be lucky enough to have her as my Grandma. Love her oodles and oodles of noodles. :)

Anyway here is my trip via photos and I hopefully can get the videos I took uploaded into this.

Off to my wonderful Gram Cracker's I go


hi ho hi ho it's off to gram cracker's I go.
Just outside Vegas, loved the rain.


"The Back Road"
(my absolute favorite part of the drive)


stopped to pick flowers on the back road

flower power :)

almost to Gram Cracker's house

my grandma refers to this as "Our" mountain, it's her favorite view from her house and mine too

finally made it to gram crackers house, now time to surprise her



Grams reaction to me coming up, priceless :)

she was so excited I was there, that is her excited face :)


going through old photos and we came across an old family portrait of my family...made me miss my mom a lot. But I know she is always with me. <3


my grandma gave me this because she knows it's my favorite
(she's the best)


the drive back was pitch black

Mama and my song :)

Perfect for the drive home


Hello Vegas

Home


Today couldn't have been more perfect!
The weather was perfect, I LOVE the rain.
I got to spend some much needed "me" time on my drive.
I sang my heart out to my favorite music, especially on the way back.
(I pulled out some OLD school Nsync)
I got to spend some much needed time with my most favorite woman in the world.
I got to lay around on her couch and laugh and talk with her.
Then after a few hours I unfortunately had to leave and head home. :(
But I am so thankful that I have the ability to drive up just a few hours from Vegas to Utah to see my sweet grandma and come back in the same day.
I love that drive, and I love my gram cracker time.

Today was the perfect Sunday.

show me what i'm looking for

Lately I have been finding it a lot easier to express how I'm feeling through different songs that I hear or listen to daily. Tonight is no different. The song below perfectly pertains to how I've been feeling lately.
Last night I picked up my Bible to find something that would uplift my spirit because lately I have been feeling extremely negative and down. I didn't know exactly what I was going to read in the Bible last night, I just randomly decided that I was going to look in Proverbs and I read proverbs based on what the date is of the current day. So I checked my phone and it was 1 am on November 3rd. So I went to open my Bible to Proverbs 3 and I literally opened directly to that page.
Now I do not know the Bible well enough to know exactly where Proverbs is and so I was astonished by that, but little did I know God was speaking directly to me last night. I looked at the title of Proverbs 3 and it is titled:
Trusting in the Lord
I sat back and started laughing to myself because lately I have been allowing negative thoughts over power my mind and I truly haven't been putting any trust in to my sweet Jesus like I know I should. But wait, it gets better, as I started to read Proverbs 3 I saw verse 5-6, it stated:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

I set my Bible down and out loud said, "Well Lord, you have my attention."

I never use to recognize how God would speak to me. I always thought that when people said that God spoke to them that they meant they actually heard him speaking to them in their heads.
I use to feel like maybe I wasn't a true believer, but I realized that I just wasn't opening up my heart and eyes to see and allow God to speak to me. The more I open my heart to my Jesus, the more he speaks to me daily. I hate to admit it but I have been shutting my sweet Jesus out the past few weeks.
I have been feeling so weak from all the negative thoughts that I have let over take my mind that I just felt like giving up. I felt like giving in to this being my life and that I was just going to be miserable and depressed. I didn't feel like I had the strength to battle the negative thoughts and the depression I've been feeling, and I was just about to let it completely take me and swallow me whole. But yesterday while I talked with my dad I came to realize and finally admit that I hadn't been reaching out and trusting in God like I had a few weeks ago. I knew that I needed to change that. I needed to get back to truly putting all of my faith in God and NOT depending on trying to fix everything on my own.
I am not strong enough to battle the depression I feel at times or the negative thoughts I hear, BUT my sweet beloved God IS.
Through Him I can accomplish and do anything.
How powerful is that? It's extremely overwhelming for me, especially because I have felt so helpless these past few weeks. I have felt so alone. Tears well up in my eyes when I say that simple line to myself...

Through Him I can accomplish and do anything.


God is so amazing, he is beautiful, magnificent, he is my sweet savior.


With that I will leave you with a song that I was listening to while I was editing tonight.
It brings me back to their concert that I attended and how this song in particular moves me to this day.





CAROLINA LIAR: SHOW ME WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

in the pain, there is healing

Lifehouse - Broken



The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

"when ever your world starts crashing down..."

Onerepublic
"All Fall Down"

Step out the door and it feels like rain
That's the sound (that's the sound) on your window pane
Take to the streets but you can't ignore
That's the sound (that's the sound) you're waiting for

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's where you'll find me

Yeah God love your soul and your aching bones
Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below
Everyone's the same
our fingers to our toes
We just can't get it right
But we're on the road

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's when you find me.

(Yeah) Lost till you're found
Swim till you drown

Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate
Strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
If ever your world starts crashing down
That's when you'll find (find) me

Lost till you're found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate
Strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

All fall down, we all fall down, all fall down
We all fall down, all fall down, all fall down

Lost till you're found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate
Strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

house sitting for the day

So all day yesterday I sat at a customers house while the plumbers came to work on things. I didn't realize that I was going to be there all day so all I brought was my phone and my planner.
I entertained myself with my phone for as long as I could before it completely died...and there was only so much I could go over in my planner until I simply just started doodling in it.
Then of course the rest of the time I just sat in quiet thinking about lots and lots of things.
Most of the things that came into my thoughts were negative thoughts that only made me tear up.

Today I am back at our customers house...but this time I came prepared.
Laptop - Check! Water - Check! Snacks - Check! Phone - Check! Homework - Check!


I figured this would be the perfect time to work on my English essay that is due Thursday...and I have yet to even finish my book, let alone start my essay. So that is what my plan of attack is for the day while I sit here and house sit.

But I will say I get distracted easily...and instead of starting on my reading like I planned...this took place for an hour and a half:














Now I will actually go and work on my reading for my essay.

<3

someone to save me

Today has been a trying day. I've tried to keep positive all day.
I had moments where I was happy or laughing...
but mainly I had moments where I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up with tears.
It's Halloween...I didn't imagine a simple holiday such as this one to be difficult.
I figured it would start with Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, etc, etc.
But nope.
It started today.

I've been alone most of the day, so of course that means a lot of time with out me talking out loud, which then means LOTS of talking in my head, and thoughts.
Not so many good or positive thoughts.
Mainly negative and hurtful thoughts that brought me to tears countless times.
I of course did my best to shut the tears/gut wrenching feeling in my stomach off as soon as I could.

This is the first Halloween I've spent solo in over 5 years. It would have been my 7th year spending Halloween with "him" and his wonderful family.
I missed them so much tonight.
It was a tradition that I'd go over and either go trick or treating with his siblings, or I'd hand candy out while I sat and drank wine with his mother and aunt and of course him.
This year I was at home with my dad and step mom handing out candy to the little trick or treaters.
It was fun and I enjoyed the nice quiet time and conversation I got to spend with my family.
But it still didn't take away the heart ache I felt today and all of tonight.
I thought that I had gotten it under control, but once I retreated upstairs to shower it became all too much.
I broke down in the shower and then composed myself enough to make it to my room and to say my good nights to every one. Then once I got into my room and closed my door the tears came pouring out.
I'm currently sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I have come to despise crying. I'm worn out from it.
I'm sick of this feeling that my heart is going to just stop from all the pain.
I know that it is a dramatic statement, but that is just simply how I feel.

I'm sick of the knot in my stomach, the pain in my chest, the constant flow of tears, the uncontrollable shakes I get when I cry, the dark circles under my eyes, the lack of sleep, the lack of appetite, the swollen eyes I get after I've cried, the simple feeling of emptiness.

I go through modes where I wish I would never have even met him. Then I wouldn't be experiencing this heart ache, but then I also realize I wouldn't have experienced all the experiences and growth I've had the past 5 and 1/2 years.

I am currently fluctuating with praying to God for answers and for comfort, and then with also feeling like...What's the point...it's obviously not working....I obviously don't feel better...I'm just meant to be miserable.
I know I am not suppose to think that way. I know that it isn't how God wants me to think and that the negative thoughts are Satan trying to bring me down and break me. I feel like I am a failure and weak because I feel like lately I am unable to fight off the negative thoughts and stay positive.
I don't want to feel that way.
I don't want to feel weak.
I want to feel comforted again.
I want to feel and believe that this situation is meant to bring good in my life.
For me to learn and grow from it.
But it feels so difficult to see the good.
I feel like I am going to be stuck feeling like this forever.
I know deep down that isn't true.
But it sure feels true right now.

I just feel defeated and un-fixable.
There is something in me that feels like I don't want to be fixed, but I know deep down I truly do.
No one wants to be miserable, no one wants to feel broken, no one wants to hurt.
I just feel like right now I am too weak to even try and fight this battle of emotions.
I feel so weak.




"Someone To Save You"

Patience
Took you for everything
Looked like a diamond ring
You are so much longer
That made sense
Apathy in disguise
Crept on you like a spy
Hurt you in ways
You can't describe

[Bridge]
Back to the start now
I wont let you go this way now

[Chorus]
Honesty
Is what you need
It sets you free
Like someone to save you
Let it go
But hurry now
Theres undertow
And I don't want to lose you now

All right
Sit down and spill your heart
Lets start from the very start
Cause i can see by your eyes
You're wasted
Your energy comes and goes
You taking your time, you know
Nothing can change what happened, you know

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

Now
Now
Oh my
Look at your bright stars fade so
How much can you take?

[Chorus]

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na [x14]
I said to save you
Save you
Save you
Someone to save you
What you need is
Someone to save you