Christmas with the McGhie's

Merry Merry Christmas!! This Christmas I was blessed to be able to spend some much needed time with my entire family. My oldest sister drove down from Reno and then her, my other sister and I drove up Friday to pick up my Grandma from Utah to bring her down for Christmas. Once we had the entire family together we went to Christmas service for our Church Friday night. Service was awesome as usual and it was so awesome to witness people coming to Christ that night. Christmas Eve was filled with my step mom and I running around to meet with some clients, and then we stopped at most likely the ONLY garage sale going on in town. ha ha Then we headed home to prep some food that we were bringing over for Christmas Eve dinner at my step grandma's house. We had such a fun time at dinner.
We ate delicious food ranging from sushi, collard greens, to turkey. (I know definitely a WIDE variety) Dinner was filled with so much laughter and then we all gathered to do our yearly tradition of the "Jesus Sock" which is pretty much where we read our old New Years resolutions from the year before and then we write down new ones and put them in the "Jesus Sock." It's so fun to hear what everyone wrote and to see what goals each person has accomplished. I was proud that I actually completed almost all of my resolutions from last year. ::high five::
Then after we did the Jesus Sock, we of course sang lots of karaoke. Lots of loud, off key singing and of course dancing. We of course ended the night with all of us singing "We Are Family."

After dinner we all headed home to decorate stockings, I decorated my stocking by putting the entire family on my stocking and with each name I put a symbol for something that reminds me of them. Then I of course waited to wrap my gifts all LAST minute, I was up until 3am, and then we all woke up at 9ish to open gifts. No Christmas at the McGhie's would be complete with out either mimosa's or baileys and coffee. YUM! Makes opening gifts that much better. :)

This years gifts were extra special. My sisters and I received the best gifts we will ever receive in our life. 4 years ago our mom passed away and when we had to pack up her house and go through all of her belongings we of course had to go through her clothes. We had set aside our favorite pieces of her clothes that brought back memories for us and we had planned to figure out something to do with her clothes so that we could all have a piece of them to remember her by. Little did we know that our dad, our step mom, and our grandma had been trying to find someone who could take our mom's clothes and turn them into quilts for us for the past few years. This year they finally found a wonderful woman who will forever be an angel to me and my sisters. My grandma found her through her hair stylist and she made all of our quilts in just 3 weeks. My sisters and I had absolutely no idea that they had these made for us, so when they had us open our gifts at the same time let's just say we were quite the mess. Tears immediately filled my eyes and I felt so overwhelmed. These quilts will last forever and my sisters and I will now always have a beautiful piece of our momma with us that we can cuddle up tight into and remember all of the good times from our child hood.

To say that this Christmas was just wonderful doesn't quite do it justice. This Christmas was an absolute blessing. I am so blessed to have the family that I have, and to be able to be loved the way I am with them. I wouldn't trade my life for the world. I am so thankful that my Jesus blessed me into this beautiful family with such God loving people. He truly does create miracles, and my family and the love we share is a perfect example of God's miracles. <3

I hope you all had such a beautiful and blessed Christmas<3

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

just a tight hug

Tonight is the kind of night where I am sitting here in bed in tears wishing I could have a tight hug from my mom and her telling me that I am going to be okay and that everything is going to be okay.

I wish you were here momma.
:(

what makes your heart happy

Do you ever step back for a minute or 5 minutes and think to yourself about the things that make your heart happy? From the tiniest, simplest moments to big events?

I feel like most people focus on the negative (I am guilty of this).
I see and hear it every where.
I hear it at the grocery store, at the coffee shop, at work, on the news, on Twitter, at school, LOTS on Facebook.
I get that things happen, big or small, that just plain suck. I know that some times you just want to vent and put your issues or what ever that big or small thing is that sucks out there so others know about it because then maybe others are experiencing it too and then that means you aren't alone.
Trust me...some of my posts ooze negativity or sadness. It's mainly because I struggle with it on a daily basis.
I try my best, after I vent my negative feelings or sad thoughts, to try and find a positive note to leave off on. Whether it's a scripture I've found or just simply reminding myself that God has a plan, that I need to trust in his plan, and I remind myself that even though I feel unwanted, not good enough, broken, sad, depressed, and completely hardened and empty at times...there is always one person who will love me with all my faults, all my mistakes, all my tears, and who will love me always & forever...and that is God. He is so good, and his love for me is so incredibly awesome. I will never be able to understand or conceptualize how much he loves me, and to me that makes me heart so happy to know that I am loved so entirely much.

I want to try and be happy all the time. I know that every one has their ups and downs. But I want to have more ups then downs.
I want to smile more than frown.
I want to not feel a deep knot in my stomach because my heart aches.
I want my heart to feel full.
I want to be able to get a full nights sleep and not be restless.
I want to be able to have multiple entries one after another that are only upbeat and happy thoughts...

All I can say is I am working on it.
I'm working on focusing on things that make me happy whenever I start to feel overwhelmed with sadness or heart ache.
If I start to feel a knot in my stomach I try to think of big or little things that I have to be happy about.

Sometimes though my sadness wins and in my head when I am thinking about things that make me happy, I can hear myself being cynical and mocking what ever it is that makes me happy.
No bueno.

I don't want to be cynical...especially about love and marriage.
I bounce back and forth with being cynical about that stuff.
At times I feel super hopeful and excited for meeting the future man God is going to bestow upon me in my life...and then other times...like tonight at dinner, I am very sour about it. If anyone tries to talk to me about my future and how when I'm married or when I meet a man...I will immediately shut them down with a big ol' "HA" as I roll my eyes and then with out missing a beat I say, "I'm not getting married...ever."
Another saying I say a lot now when talking with family or friends or even clients is, "IF I ever get married...and that's a big IF..." I don't sound bitter or anything right? (ha uh huhhh)

But in all honesty I don't want to feel that way...but I do at times. There are times where I wish I had some one in my life that loved me enough to want to be with me and marry me, and I think about how my life would be if I got married and how happy I'd be.
But then I also think about how I don't know if I want to get married...what if I end up not being wanted again? What if I was to get married and then my "husband" decided to leave me because he didn't love me any more...why put myself through that pain...or even the possibility of that pain?

That last paragraph...is EXACTLY why I want to feel more happy than sad.

That is why I am going to try and just focus on what makes my heart happy...because then all I will mainly have thoughts of are feel good thoughts, and who doesn't love those?

what makes my heart happy:
- my growing relationship with God
- my family
- my grandma's cute songs she sings to me
- my dad's tight hugs
- my sisters and our inside jokes
- my diva d and beaz
- singing music at the top of my lungs while I drive
- music <3
- a delicious tea latte
- coffee bean dates with my oldest sister
- taking lots of pictures, especially silly ones
- the gorgeous drive to Utah
- ice cold water
- cute cheesy movies
- days where the sky is filled with clouds that look like all different sizes of marshmallows
- hot cocoa with extra mini marshmallows...mmm
- walking my pup
- dancing to crazy loud music, regardless if I look like a fool
- sitting by the fireplace listening to Christmas music
- having family time while listening to Christmas music
- decorating our Christmas tree
- our yearly Stocking decorating tradition
- laughing until my sides hurt
- steaming hot showers that make it so all the mirrors are fogged up in the bathroom
- Chanel Chance perfume <3<3<3
- writing, blogging, journaling
- foot rubs
- cuddling up into my bed and watching old movies on netflix
- praying for others every night before I go to sleep
- remembering all the good memories I had with my momma
- looking at pictures of my momma and I when I was little
- french fries
- whole food salads...mmmm
- spicy tuna crunch roll
- snuggles
- scarves
- lots of bracelets
- my fav cheap sparkling wine

those are just a few of the things that make me heart so happy and full.

what makes your heart happy?

What if...

What If...
by: Nicole Nordeman

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

You've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you're wrong?

exhausted and beaten down

Late nights have been getting to me a lot lately.

I find that I am unable to sleep, so I go to bed late (like tonight) and I wake up exhausted.
That causes me to feel beat down through out the day, and I think it kicks my emotions in to high gear because I feel a lot more emotional and on the verge of tears. I have had constant highs and lows these past few days.

Today was no different.

I woke up exhausted but I was feeling fine this morning. I felt happy and I was fine as I got ready for work. Then as I was driving to work I started to feel a bit down and the knot like feeling in the pit of my stomach that I thought I had finally gotten rid of after 3 months returned in full force. That led me to start to feel sad and down.
Feelings of being unwanted and not good enough all of a sudden flooded my mind.

I quickly said a little prayer to get rid of the horrible feelings, and after a few minutes I felt a bit better.

As the day went on I was pretty neutral with how I was feeling, but as it started to get later in the day and the "sleepyness" was kicking in even more, I started to feel that knot again in my stomach. Then I started to feel irritable and all of these thoughts and questions started filling my head. I had the feeling to cry sweep through me countless times, but I refused to let any tears leave my eyes. I fight crying now. I hold it in and do what ever it takes to not cry. I know that it's not good...but I am sick of crying, how many more months can I waste crying. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. Especially because what/who I am crying about obviously doesn't feel the same way I do.
I am alone in how I am feeling.
If that person isn't crying over me...then why should I allow myself to cry over them? Why do I even have to cry over them? Why does my heart have to feel the aching that it feels? I am sick of having puffy eyes from crying so much, I'm sick of the dark circles under my eyes that I have to cover up with make up so that I don't feel gross. I'm sick of this constant pain in my chest, feeling as if my heart is going to give out.
Now I don't feel like this all the time, and as time has gone by I start to feel it a little less each day. But then there are days like these past few, where it just becomes overwhelming and I just feel completely overwhelmed and broken and all I want to do is hide from the world and cry until I have not one tear left in me.
But I don't allow myself to do so. Instead I try and change what ever it is I am thinking about or I just simply bite my lip and tough out the wave of emotion that rolls through my body until I feel as if I can take a breath and not instantly cry.

I just feel beat down. I feel defeated in a way.
I feel like it's a constant fight to stay positive and I am constantly battling not thinking about the depressing or painful things that pop into my head. It's a battle to not feel the heart ache I feel. When will it end? When will my heart not feel broken? When will I feel happy all the time, and not just at random times in the day? When will I be able to look or do certain things and not be reminded of the past? When will my heart accept that what my heart wants is simply just that...it is only what my heart wants. It's not what he wants. He's made that perfectly clear. When will I be able to fully accept that so that I can move forward in my life and not hold on to what is no longer there?

I honestly don't know when that will be. I just don't know.

Times and feelings like these are when I reach for the scripture the most.

I really need a GIANT big tight hug from God right now. I need him to hold me extra tight and tell me everything will be okay, that he has a plan for me, and that when he thinks it's time he will reveal it to me.

It's times like these that I really wish I still had my mom too...
I would do anything to have her hug me and tell me how much she loves me and all those sweet motherly things that moms say to their daughters.

But that isn't and never will be a possibility for me.

So I will just have to hold on to this and wrap this scripture tight around me for tonight.

You have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy. - John 16:22