someone to save me

Today has been a trying day. I've tried to keep positive all day.
I had moments where I was happy or laughing...
but mainly I had moments where I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up with tears.
It's Halloween...I didn't imagine a simple holiday such as this one to be difficult.
I figured it would start with Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, etc, etc.
But nope.
It started today.

I've been alone most of the day, so of course that means a lot of time with out me talking out loud, which then means LOTS of talking in my head, and thoughts.
Not so many good or positive thoughts.
Mainly negative and hurtful thoughts that brought me to tears countless times.
I of course did my best to shut the tears/gut wrenching feeling in my stomach off as soon as I could.

This is the first Halloween I've spent solo in over 5 years. It would have been my 7th year spending Halloween with "him" and his wonderful family.
I missed them so much tonight.
It was a tradition that I'd go over and either go trick or treating with his siblings, or I'd hand candy out while I sat and drank wine with his mother and aunt and of course him.
This year I was at home with my dad and step mom handing out candy to the little trick or treaters.
It was fun and I enjoyed the nice quiet time and conversation I got to spend with my family.
But it still didn't take away the heart ache I felt today and all of tonight.
I thought that I had gotten it under control, but once I retreated upstairs to shower it became all too much.
I broke down in the shower and then composed myself enough to make it to my room and to say my good nights to every one. Then once I got into my room and closed my door the tears came pouring out.
I'm currently sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I have come to despise crying. I'm worn out from it.
I'm sick of this feeling that my heart is going to just stop from all the pain.
I know that it is a dramatic statement, but that is just simply how I feel.

I'm sick of the knot in my stomach, the pain in my chest, the constant flow of tears, the uncontrollable shakes I get when I cry, the dark circles under my eyes, the lack of sleep, the lack of appetite, the swollen eyes I get after I've cried, the simple feeling of emptiness.

I go through modes where I wish I would never have even met him. Then I wouldn't be experiencing this heart ache, but then I also realize I wouldn't have experienced all the experiences and growth I've had the past 5 and 1/2 years.

I am currently fluctuating with praying to God for answers and for comfort, and then with also feeling like...What's the point...it's obviously not working....I obviously don't feel better...I'm just meant to be miserable.
I know I am not suppose to think that way. I know that it isn't how God wants me to think and that the negative thoughts are Satan trying to bring me down and break me. I feel like I am a failure and weak because I feel like lately I am unable to fight off the negative thoughts and stay positive.
I don't want to feel that way.
I don't want to feel weak.
I want to feel comforted again.
I want to feel and believe that this situation is meant to bring good in my life.
For me to learn and grow from it.
But it feels so difficult to see the good.
I feel like I am going to be stuck feeling like this forever.
I know deep down that isn't true.
But it sure feels true right now.

I just feel defeated and un-fixable.
There is something in me that feels like I don't want to be fixed, but I know deep down I truly do.
No one wants to be miserable, no one wants to feel broken, no one wants to hurt.
I just feel like right now I am too weak to even try and fight this battle of emotions.
I feel so weak.




"Someone To Save You"

Patience
Took you for everything
Looked like a diamond ring
You are so much longer
That made sense
Apathy in disguise
Crept on you like a spy
Hurt you in ways
You can't describe

[Bridge]
Back to the start now
I wont let you go this way now

[Chorus]
Honesty
Is what you need
It sets you free
Like someone to save you
Let it go
But hurry now
Theres undertow
And I don't want to lose you now

All right
Sit down and spill your heart
Lets start from the very start
Cause i can see by your eyes
You're wasted
Your energy comes and goes
You taking your time, you know
Nothing can change what happened, you know

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

Now
Now
Oh my
Look at your bright stars fade so
How much can you take?

[Chorus]

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na [x14]
I said to save you
Save you
Save you
Someone to save you
What you need is
Someone to save you

someone like you...

This song has been in my head constantly lately, especially with all that I have on my mind as of late...

Someone Like You
By: Adele

I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

...

:(

can that be my post.

that's how I feel today. I feel "bleh."

Every day I am asked how I'm doing, and I either respond with "Good" or "Not so good."

I know it's because every one cares for me and worries about me.

I hate that people worry about me. It makes me feel like a burden. I don't want people to be concerned about me. I know they are concerned because they love me. I'm sure if they didn't care at all I'd be on here complaining about how no one cares. (That's how women are...it's always something.)

I just feel like I respond with Good or Not so good so that I am not asked anymore. If I responded how I really feel people might think I'm weird. ha

The response that pops in to my head when some one asks me how I am is this:

Honestly, I don't really know. I don't think it's that I am numb because I know I am sad. I don't feel overly happy but I try and keep positive through out the day and smile as much as I can and find things to laugh about so that I keep my mind busy. But in all honesty I'm not good. I'm not doing horribly. I just am...blah. That's how I feel lately. Just blah.

Now how does some one react to that? "Ummm...okay." That would probably be their response.

I'm trying to sort out my feelings, I want to handle this situation on my own. I want to make my own decisions based on my heart and based on what my God wants for me. I want what God wants for me. I don't know Gods plan, but I am doing all that I can to stop trying to control the situation and trust in him fully. It's a lot easier said than actually done. It's hard to give up all control of a situation and to put it all in His hands. It's human nature to want what you want and to want to control situations.

I feel like the more I give the situation to Him the more I actually see Him working in my life and with the situation. It's difficult to sit back and watch everything slowly play out, especially because I am a very impatient person. Maybe this is God teaching me patience and to fully trust some one...and not just anyone...but GOD. God wants me to put all my trust in him. Trust has become a very difficult thing for me to do lately. I worry about fully trusting some one because I don't want to get hurt.

I originally started writing this thinking all I was going to post was a sad face :(

Then of course my mind went off on a tangent of all that I am currently thinking about.

Crazy.

Plays in to the whole :( theme of today.

I pray that my :( will turn in to a real :) some day.

i never will understand

Daily I ask myself how you can "love" some one and yet hurt them.

I believe in forgiveness and forgetting.

But how many times can you hurt someone, and then apologize, and then continue to hurt them and expect them to believe that you are truly sorry?

I feel like sometimes I love people too deeply. I feel like I put too much trust in others.

I'm the type of person that when I love some one, I will go above and beyond to make them happy, help them, support them, bend over backwards for them. I do my best to never intentionally hurt them. When I recognize that I have or am hurting them I admit my wrong doing and then I do my best to never do it again.

I don't just tell them I'm sorry and continue to do the same thing that hurts them.
What would be the point in apologizing? no point.

I believe when you are in love with some one you tend to give them chance after chance after chance to fix or make up for mistakes they've made.

I believe that when I am in love, I tend to give the person I love chance, after chance, after chance, after chance, after chance...and it goes on. Even when there is a part of me thinking that I should stop giving chances, I continue to give them chances because I love them so much. No matter how much heart ache I endure, I worry more about the other person even though they are the ones doing the hurting. I worry about them feeling bad, guilty, sad, mad, hurt. I'd rather take all the blame and guilt on rather than see them hurt.

After finally realizing that my heart can no longer continue to give chances to this person, regardless of how badly I want things to work between us, I have had to stop worrying about them and start to protect what little is left of my heart.

The past 3 weeks I feel like I have slipped into a silent depression. I honestly didn't realize this until a few days ago. I had noticed that the past 3 weeks I had felt some what emotionless, but I thought it was because I had hope for things to work between this person and I. I would have days where I was sure that things were going to work out and that this person was going to choose me and want to be with me. That they were going to see how much I loved them and that I could forgive them. That I believed in them and that I believed in "us." Then there were days where I was told that things weren't fixable, and even though this person told me that they cared for me and that they wanted to fix things, I'd see them continue to move forward with their relationship with the new person in their life.

I still am unable to understand how you can care for some one and want to fix things with some one and yet tell the new person in your life that you love them, that you knew they were the one the first time you kissed them, that your world revolved around them.
I am unable to understand any of that.

When I love someone, I love them and only them. Even though this person and I are no longer together, I still love them deeply, and it's not even a question or option in my mind to be with some one else. I can't imagine being with some one else, and if I did go out and try and find some one else...it wouldn't be fair to them because I wouldn't be able to give them my whole heart because my heart still belongs to some one else.

I feel emotionally and mentally lost. I go thru emotions of being sad, being hurt, feeling sorry for the other person, worrying about them instead of me, worrying about if they are happy, worrying about the decisions they are making.

At times I feel perfectly fine and as if I am over them, and then minutes later I feel like I could cry for hours. I constantly have a knot in my chest, and some times I feel like I can't breathe.

I find myself constantly checking my phone for a text, e-mail, or phone call. Some times when I come home I hope to see their car in the parking lot waiting for me. Even though I know that it would never happen, I still hope for it to happen, and I don't know why.

I don't understand why I am not able to fully accept that this person no longer loves me and that they love some one else. That they don't want to be with me, and that they are happier with some one else. It's a devastating feeling.

3 weeks ago I was feeling up beat and happy to move forward. I felt like my heart was healing and I was starting to feel some what better. I no longer felt as if I was going to die from a broken heart.

Currently...I feel like my heart is turning in to a black piece of coal. I look at people's relationship and think, "Ha that's not going to last." It makes me feel horrible. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have a hardened heart. I want to believe in love. I want to believe in love that lasts. I want to believe that there is a loving, caring, God loving man out there for me.
But the majority of me doesn't believe that that exists, at least not for me.

Part of me wants to just be alone and not let any one in again. I don't want to experience heart break again. I don't want to be told I love you by another person, just to have them turn around and decide they no longer want to be with me, that they no longer love me. I don't believe that it is possible to truly love some one and then out of no where one day decide they aren't who you want to be with and then a week after having ended it you are with another person and not even a month later you are telling that new person that you love them. To me that isn't a person who truly loved some one. You don't do that. I would never do that. I don't have that in me. I can't imagine doing that to someone. I can't imagine how I would be able to function every day knowing I hurt some one that deeply.

I'm just so sick of hurting. I'm sick of feeling like my heart is going to give out. I'm sick of feeling like there is an elephant on my chest. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of hoping. I'm sick of believing in something and some one who in the end doesn't mean what they say. I'm sick of feeling so alone, especially late at night. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not enough. I'm sick of feeling unwanted. I'm sick of feeling like I failed in some way as a girlfriend.

I find myself feeling as if I am just having a bad dream, and that I just want to wake up and everything be back to normal. I know God has a plan, and I am trying to accept that obviously this person was not his plan for me.

It's a struggle though because my heart wants that person to be God's plan for me. But another part of me doesn't want them to be his plan for me, because why would I want some one who doesn't value me, and doesn't truly care for me or truly love me. Some one who use to tell me how they wanted to marry me and that they were so lucky to have me and then literally out of no where decided I wasn't what they wanted.

I feel so mentally and emotionally messed up from this whole situation. I feel torn with still wanting to be with this person and not wanting to be with them. Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just move forward and not want to go back. Why can't I just shut my heart off and move forward?

All I can continue to do is pray. I know that my heart ache won't fade for a long time, and as much as I wish it would just go away, I have to tell myself that there is something to learn from all of this and later on I will be thankful to have gone through this.

If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought I'd be where I am today, I would have said, "Well that's a horrible thing to think of, that would never happen."

It's very sad how people can change in to some one you don't know and hurt you in ways you wouldn't think they would.

I would have never expected this, hell, I was blind sided by all of this.

Now I'm just broken.

late night

I can't sleep.

I have so much on my mind.
I feel depressed, sad, unhappy, alone, upset...

I wish I felt better. I wish I wasn't feeling how I do.
I really need to pray. I need to pray to God about what it is he wants for me.
What path am I suppose to go down?

I just want to be happy.
I just want to not feel this hole that I have in my heart.

Life is so tough at times, and all we can do is continue to move forward and pretty much roll with the punches.

It's a lot easier said though then done.

:(

she lights up my life

when ever I am feeling down, I have found that when I go back and look through videos that I have of my most favorite woman on earth I feel so much better. <3

foolish

Tonight I've realized I've been so foolish the past couple of days.

I let myself be tricked in letting my heart believe something that in the end was never true. Foolish.
I gave this person the benefit of the doubt and believed they would do what they said. Foolish.
I feel naive for believing that certain things were done for me and not for some one else. Foolish.
I feel dumb for having hope again. Foolish.
I feel embarrassed for showing any type of emotion to this person. Foolish.
I believed them when they said they cared for me. Foolish.
I let myself have a tiny amount of hope in something that was probably just said to make me feel better, or to make them feel better. Foolish.

I let my guard down when deep down I knew I should have kept it up. Foolish.

This is just another life lesson I have to learn from.

broken bird

"When you called from the pay phone, you were a baby doll.
said i couldn't tear you up easy, as weak as you were and as strong as I was,
you think I'm strong girl, I think you're wrong girl,
it's not easy to give you away, still you call.
just to say, just to say you were broken."

“You knew when you met me that I was a razor blade. In these halls of bad memories, I’ll do what it takes just to cut ‘em all loose. ‘Cause that’s where I found you, that’s where I found you, two rockets just straight for the moon, where I will meet you soon. I could tell you were broken, stranded in motion. You were broken, you were a broken bird. And you asked me for the world, all I gave you was a fallen sky. Yeah, you asked me for the world, but all you needed was a place to fly.”

"casting lines"

Every day I listen to music all the way in to work, and sometimes it's the same band for a few days, and today while I was driving to work, I changed from listening to my usual band and listened to a band that is hard for me to listen to at the moment. I thought maybe it would help lift me up a little bit today, I thought my heart could handle it.

I selected the band and then I put my iPod on shuffle for it to select a song, kind of like the "magic 8 ball" affect, and the song it first started playing made my heart drop. I listened to the song all the way to work, listening to each word...I don't know how to put in to words how this song made me feel, but it left me feeling sad more than happy.

I guess it's just one of those days...

Jacks Mannequin
"Casting Lines"

You learn to run, you learn to race through life, its unforgiving pace
These lines we're tracing to the truth
And stepping over endless cracks, I navigate these crooked paths
But all my roads lead back to you

And who are we to argue fate and who is time to make us wait
I'm standing here with nothing left to prove

And we're still coming home, a thread through the unknown
Yea, all the lines we cast into forever
Got tangled like some wreckage in the road
A road we walked alone but all the time that's passed held us together
And all the lines we cast will bring us home
It's a long way but I'm coming home

All the time I kept the score I never grasped what love was for
You, you always gave me what I need
To know it's true and still I strive to break the bonds and raise the sky
You tear the soil from the sea

But who am I to argue fate and who are you to walk away
I'm standing here with nothing left to prove

And we're still coming home, a thread through the unknown
All the lines we cast into forever
Got tangled like some wreckage in the road
A road we walked alone but all the time that's passed held us together
And all the lines we cast will bring us home
It's a long way but I'm coming home to you

Who are we to argue fate and who am I to think this way
I'm standing here with nothing left to lose

And we're still coming home, a thread through the unknown
Yea, all the lines we cast into forever
Will come back when the weather hits the road
A road we walked alone, but all the time that's passed held us together
And all the lines we cast will bring us home
It's a long way but I'm coming home

You learn to run, you learn to race through life, its unforgiving pace
These lines we're tracing to the truth

thankful

Today as I was driving home from meeting with a client, I started thinking about how down and broken I have been feeling lately, and then I started to think of all the things that I am thankful for in my life, versus all the negative that has brought me down in spirit recently.

Here is my list of thankfulness:

I am thankful for my family
I am thankful for my growing relationship with my Jesus
I am thankful for my Gram Cracker.
I am thankful for the example of what type of woman I want to be she has set for me.
I am thankful for my wonderful pups
I am thankful for every person in my life who supports and loves me
I am thankful for all the friends I have that I didn't know truly cared for me
I am thankful for my true best friend Carrie
I am thankful for cool fall days like today
I am thankful for the sunlight that falls upon my face while I drive
I am thankful for the constant flow of work that comes my way
I am thankful for all of my clients
I am thankful for my health
I am thankful for all the people who have come in and out of my life, whether it was good or bad
I am thankful for all the experiences I have had in my short time on earth, whether they were good or bad
I am thankful for my car, and that even though it's old and sometimes falling a part, it still gets me to and from where I need to go
I am thankful for my job
I am thankful for my ability to afford school
I am thankful for my church
I am thankful for coffee
I am thankful for my comfy bed that I get to sleep in every night
I am thankful for hugs, especially from my daddy
I am thankful for every blessing, whether it's big or small, that God has blessed me with
I am thankful for the time I did have with my momma, even though I wish I had her here longer, I am still thankful for the time God did allow me to have her in my life and for all that she taught me, good and bad, and for how wonderful of an example she was as a mother, even though she made mistakes.
I am thankful for all the good memories with her.
I am thankful for the love that she had for my sisters and I.
I am thankful for the childhood memories that her and my dad gave our family.
I am thankful for how special she made every holiday or birthday.
I am thankful for every laugh or giggle I have and continue to experience.
I am thankful for every smile I experience.
I am thankful for every tear I have shed, even though at the time I am hurting or sad, with out any of those tears I wouldn't be or have learned from any of it.
I am thankful for every heart ache I have endured, as painful as they were and currently are, I know that there is always something to learn from them all.
I am thankful for what ever plan God has for me.
I am thankful for every breathe I take.
I am thankful for music, it brings my soul alive.
I am thankful for my education.
I am thankful for everything in my life.

I am so thankful for my God. He has a plan for me, and I may not understand it at times, but I know and trust in the end that everything will be okay. I know that God will wrap his arms around me and hold me tight through all my trials, just like he is doing so right now. I may still have times where I feel utterly alone, but there is always the comfort of knowing that as alone as I may be and feel at times, God is always by my side, holding my hand and preparing me for my future.

Jesus is so good, he knows what he is doing, and most importantly I am so thankful to have him in my life.

psalm 34

¹ I will praise the Lord at all times.
I will constantly speak his praises.
² I will boast only in the Lord;
let all who are helpless take heart.
³ Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;
let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
⁵ Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
⁶ In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
he saved me from all my troubles.
⁷ For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
he surrounds and defends all who fear him.

⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
⁹ Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
for those who fear him will have all they need.
¹⁰ Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,
but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.

¹¹ Come, my children, and listen to me,
and I will teach you to fear the Lord.
¹² Does anyone want to live a life
that is long and prosperous?
¹³ Then keep your tongue from speaking evil
and your lips from telling lies!
¹⁴ Turn away from evil and do good.
Search for peace, and work to maintain it.

¹⁵ The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right;
his ears are open to their cries for help.
¹⁶ But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil;
he will erase their memory from the earth.
¹⁷ The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

¹⁹ The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.
²⁰ For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous;
not one of them is broken!

²¹ Calamity will surely overtake the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be punished.
²² But the Lord will redeem those who serve him.
No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

I read this psalm tonight because it's required for my "Torn" journey, and I found it befitting because I had previously read this psalm a few weeks ago to help me get through my current situation. I felt God speaking to me in all the areas that I made BOLD.

The one that helps sooth the pain and heart ache I experience daily is this part of that psalm:

¹⁷ The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Especially the last verse, The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

I have with out a doubt been feeling crushed and broken. That is the only way to truly describe how I feel.

There are days where I feel hopeful and upbeat, but some time through out each day, mainly when I am by myself I feel completely broken. Sometimes I feel as if I am unable to be fixed. I feel like my heart will never fully heal and my hope and trust in men will never fully come back.

Deep down I know that God has a plan for me and that God is holding my hand through this trial in my life, but I still have my flesh feelings of feeling depressed and feeling hopeless.

It is difficult to not feel that way. I just have to keep telling myself to put all my faith in God and to continue to move forward. I will continue to grow in my faith with my sweet Jesus. He is such a loving God and he loves me more than I will ever truly know. No matter how broken and hopeless I feel, it's comforting to know that I am wanted by my Jesus, and I am truly loved by Him.

God will never not love me, he will always want me as his, he will always hold my hand and be by my side. God will never abandon me, he will never leave me, he will never not want me.

God will forever love me, with all my flaws and all my mistakes.

"Torn" 30 day series, day 1

My church is doing a 30 day series called "Torn" and my family and I started our small group back up so that we can be a part of the series. We meet for the first time this coming Sunday and I am really looking forward to it.

I feel like this experience is going to help me grow deeper in my faith and bring me closer to God. With all that has been going on in my life the past month and a half, I feel like this series is God's way of speaking to me and helping me heal through this rough time in my life.
Today I started my reading for our weekly discussion. I was 2 days behind on beginning my reading, so tonight I did all my reading for the 2 days I missed and for day 3.

Right before I started reading I asked God to open my heart and let me take in all that he wants me to get out of this experience. I asked him to guide me and to speak to me thru this journey.
As I was reading I found myself re-reading certain parts in the book and then I was grabbing my highlighter and highlighting those sections or sayings. This whole series is hitting very close to home for me right now, especially because currently I have been feeling extremely "torn."

This whole "torn" series is based around the times in your life that you experience darkness that leaves you wondering if you will ever find "normal" again or look toward the future with hope. In the readings that our pastor wrote, he explores people's questions as well as God's answers, and God's mysteries. I truly feel as if this whole series is taking place at the perfect time and place in my life, because I have been one of those people that is currently experiencing darkness and questions if I will ever look toward my future with hope. I've noticed the more I immerse myself into my relationship with my Jesus and the more I look to him and lean on him and put my trust in him, the more hopeful I feel. I feel happier, I feel as if I will get thru this "season" in my life. My Jesus gives me hope, especially because the love that he has for me is unlike any love I will ever experience from any person in my life. It's overwhelming and hard to even understand that my God loves me so much that he sent his son Jesus to die for me and my sins. God is extraordinary and he is so good. His love is unlike any love anyone will ever experience and I am so thankful for his love for me.

Here are a few parts that stuck out to me in my reading tonight:

Does why bring healing? Does why bring closure? Rarely. Why keeps you in the past and blocks you from moving forward. Why keeps you stuck in the pain and chokes out the potential to heal.

Healing is found in worship.

Paul says, "We can rejoice...when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."

Trust God's promises. Trust him even in the darkest hour, and worship him. He is in the lead, holding out his hand for you to follow him. He may lead you through the valley of the shadow of death, but he won't leave you there.


^ That last part is so true. It leaves me with such a comforting feeling, a sense of peace.

I will not try and fix my problems on my own, I will hand then over to Him and put all my faith in to Him.

work and thunder storms

Currently at work and all I can hear is the loud thunder above our office. Today the weather is absolutely perfect out. It feels like Fall finally, oh how I love fall season. It makes me feel so happy. It's even more perfect that it's overcast and it's been slightly sprinkling on and off all day by my office and I've been able to listen to thunder while working.

We all went out to check out the thunder

There is just something about overcast weather and rain that make my heart do a happy dance.

I think it's because any time it rains it reminds me of my childhood and how every time it would rain my mom would take us outside and we'd dance in the street while it poured. If we were at school all day while it was raining, when we would get home she'd have hot zucchini soup waiting for us. ::It was amazingly good::

I would love to be sitting at home right now, curled up in a blanket with some hot coffee watching the rain trickle down against my window.

But I am perfectly happy standing outside my office with the pup watching the rain and seeing/hearing the beautiful lightning and thunder.

enjoying the rain

Of course the pup enjoys watching the rain but when the crackling from the thunder hits she gets up and runs back in to the office, and then peeks out after a minute to see if it's gone.

hiding weim :)

Once I tell her it's okay she comes running back out and resumes sitting with me while watching the rain until the next roar of thunder hits.

she finally came back out to watch the rain some more

When it rains like this it is a reminder to me of how great God is and how he has created all of this. He is so powerful and creates such beautiful things. He is such an awesome God.

so long weekend

This weekend was definitely a busy one. Saturday I was attempting to sleep in until at least 10am because I was out the night before with my sister and we were out late. (Not common for me to go out) So when we got home Friday night I made sure to set my alarm for 10am-ish but I didn't have anything I had to do until 3:30 that afternoon, so I was all for sleeping late. Well Saturday morning I was woken up to my phone ringing at 7:30am. I was so exhausted that it took me a minute to realize when I answered that it was my sweet little gram cracker. She was calling to check on me and see how I have been doing.

::my relationship of 5 & 1/2 years ended out of no where and I was pretty much blind sided...so I've been having a difficult time, especially because I don't really know what happened.::

Anyway my gram cracker called to see how I was and of course to chit chat on the phone for a bit. After talking to her for about 45 minutes she had to go so we hung up. I laid my head back down to try and fall back asleep...and I was unsuccessful at doing so. I ended up getting up and going in to my sisters room to see what she was up to. We ended up laying in bed for the rest of the morning laughing and making jokes while watching T.V. and then muting the T.V. to listen to our neighbors fight. The most bizarre commercials kept coming on. We would watch them and just laugh hysterically. We laughed to the point that our sides hurt. I love that kind of laughter.

We finally decided to get out of bed and get ready for the day around 11. We went to visit our step mom and then on our way back to our apartment we stopped by the grocery store so I could pick up some props for an engagement session I had that afternoon. We also grabbed some coffee since we were both completely exhausted. Even though we were super tired it was such a good morning. We don't get a lot of one on one sister time, so it was very enjoyable.

By the time we got home I had to pack up my gear and props and change to go to my shoot. I photographed a good friend of mine's engagement photos Saturday. They turned out absolutely stunning and all the props I used and how I set it up turned out exactly how I wanted them to.

some of the props I used during the shoot

this is a shot from the engagement shoot I did, you can see it in full by clicking here

After I wrapped up my shoot I got home and was ready to call it a day when I got a phone call from my dad asking me if I could help him and my step mom go pick up a piece of furniture and move it out of someone's house so that they could take it to their house.
Instead of taking a shower after my shoot, which I definitely needed from laying in the grass to get the perfect shot and it being 100 degrees out I was due for a shower, but instead I just threw on some old clothes and headed out to move some furniture.

I have a lot of bruises that have popped up in the past day. You would think that I had been in a fight or abused because of all the bruises I have and how big some of them are.

Anyway after we moved the furniture we got back to my dads house and we sat in the front living room talking and relaxing while we listened to some classical music. It was very relaxing and so nice to just sit around and talk as a family. I love family time like that.

Sunday aka: Today was pretty busy too. I woke up early, got ready for church and to meet a client afterwards to discuss a wedding and I quickly headed out. I was running behind for church and I am not a fan of walking in late to service and having to shimmy past people that have to get up to let me in so I can sit at the seat my dad saved for me. So instead I went to the church coffee shop and picked up my book for the 30 day "Torn" series we are doing as a church and then I grabbed a coffee to wake me up. I sat and talked with a friend while I waited for service to end and then I met up with my dad and step mom to sit and enjoy our coffee for a bit.

headed to church

Once it got close to noon I had to run to go meet a client, but my client ended up spacing our appointment so we had to reschedule. It was a bummer but it also allowed me to go home and study for my midterm that I had to take today before midnight. So I got home and started studying. I kept getting distracted from studying by either music, emails, or Facebook. haha I am not very good at studying. Finally I decided to just take my midterm because I couldn't keep my attention long enough to study. I finished my midterm online in 1hr and 30 mins. I didn't think that it would take that long but there were 8 questions and I had to explain different terms and then give examples of each. Overall though I think I did really well, but I won't know until I go to class on Wednesday.

After I finished my midterm I went over to my dads for dinner. It was so nice to sit down as a family (minus my sisters not being there) and eat dinner and talk with out the T.V. being on. After dinner we went and sat in the front living room again and listened to smooth jazz and then some old school Mariah Carey (I LOVE her old albums...such as her Butterfly album)

I hung out for a bit at my dads and then I finally headed home and I've been answering e-mails, trying to read, listening to music, and editing some photos ever since.

Now I am up late because I feel restless. I know in the morning I will be regretting having been up late and I will be wishing that I could sleep in. Maybe I'll be able to fall asleep early tomorrow night ::doubt it:: All I know is I will definitely be needing coffee to function tomorrow. :)

editing & iTunes

And hey, there is always next weekend to sleep in and possibly relax....but most likely I will find things to keep me busy. :)

my friday via pictures

I wake up to this every morning, today he was being extra cute though.

It's finally starting to feel like Fall weather, which means beanies & boots!

Big sisters always know how to make you smile when you're having a rough patch in life.

Lunch...that ended up making me feel sick, I think it was the bacon.

Driving home from work, I love when the sky is full of clouds.

Friday night out at the Forum Shops. Had a few drinks & did some shopping.

My sister & I being Sweet

then Sour

My sister and her boyfran :)

<3

We love "moustaches"

and this happened ( I got my tragus pierced. Love it!)