...

:(

can that be my post.

that's how I feel today. I feel "bleh."

Every day I am asked how I'm doing, and I either respond with "Good" or "Not so good."

I know it's because every one cares for me and worries about me.

I hate that people worry about me. It makes me feel like a burden. I don't want people to be concerned about me. I know they are concerned because they love me. I'm sure if they didn't care at all I'd be on here complaining about how no one cares. (That's how women are...it's always something.)

I just feel like I respond with Good or Not so good so that I am not asked anymore. If I responded how I really feel people might think I'm weird. ha

The response that pops in to my head when some one asks me how I am is this:

Honestly, I don't really know. I don't think it's that I am numb because I know I am sad. I don't feel overly happy but I try and keep positive through out the day and smile as much as I can and find things to laugh about so that I keep my mind busy. But in all honesty I'm not good. I'm not doing horribly. I just am...blah. That's how I feel lately. Just blah.

Now how does some one react to that? "Ummm...okay." That would probably be their response.

I'm trying to sort out my feelings, I want to handle this situation on my own. I want to make my own decisions based on my heart and based on what my God wants for me. I want what God wants for me. I don't know Gods plan, but I am doing all that I can to stop trying to control the situation and trust in him fully. It's a lot easier said than actually done. It's hard to give up all control of a situation and to put it all in His hands. It's human nature to want what you want and to want to control situations.

I feel like the more I give the situation to Him the more I actually see Him working in my life and with the situation. It's difficult to sit back and watch everything slowly play out, especially because I am a very impatient person. Maybe this is God teaching me patience and to fully trust some one...and not just anyone...but GOD. God wants me to put all my trust in him. Trust has become a very difficult thing for me to do lately. I worry about fully trusting some one because I don't want to get hurt.

I originally started writing this thinking all I was going to post was a sad face :(

Then of course my mind went off on a tangent of all that I am currently thinking about.

Crazy.

Plays in to the whole :( theme of today.

I pray that my :( will turn in to a real :) some day.