i never will understand

Daily I ask myself how you can "love" some one and yet hurt them.

I believe in forgiveness and forgetting.

But how many times can you hurt someone, and then apologize, and then continue to hurt them and expect them to believe that you are truly sorry?

I feel like sometimes I love people too deeply. I feel like I put too much trust in others.

I'm the type of person that when I love some one, I will go above and beyond to make them happy, help them, support them, bend over backwards for them. I do my best to never intentionally hurt them. When I recognize that I have or am hurting them I admit my wrong doing and then I do my best to never do it again.

I don't just tell them I'm sorry and continue to do the same thing that hurts them.
What would be the point in apologizing? no point.

I believe when you are in love with some one you tend to give them chance after chance after chance to fix or make up for mistakes they've made.

I believe that when I am in love, I tend to give the person I love chance, after chance, after chance, after chance, after chance...and it goes on. Even when there is a part of me thinking that I should stop giving chances, I continue to give them chances because I love them so much. No matter how much heart ache I endure, I worry more about the other person even though they are the ones doing the hurting. I worry about them feeling bad, guilty, sad, mad, hurt. I'd rather take all the blame and guilt on rather than see them hurt.

After finally realizing that my heart can no longer continue to give chances to this person, regardless of how badly I want things to work between us, I have had to stop worrying about them and start to protect what little is left of my heart.

The past 3 weeks I feel like I have slipped into a silent depression. I honestly didn't realize this until a few days ago. I had noticed that the past 3 weeks I had felt some what emotionless, but I thought it was because I had hope for things to work between this person and I. I would have days where I was sure that things were going to work out and that this person was going to choose me and want to be with me. That they were going to see how much I loved them and that I could forgive them. That I believed in them and that I believed in "us." Then there were days where I was told that things weren't fixable, and even though this person told me that they cared for me and that they wanted to fix things, I'd see them continue to move forward with their relationship with the new person in their life.

I still am unable to understand how you can care for some one and want to fix things with some one and yet tell the new person in your life that you love them, that you knew they were the one the first time you kissed them, that your world revolved around them.
I am unable to understand any of that.

When I love someone, I love them and only them. Even though this person and I are no longer together, I still love them deeply, and it's not even a question or option in my mind to be with some one else. I can't imagine being with some one else, and if I did go out and try and find some one else...it wouldn't be fair to them because I wouldn't be able to give them my whole heart because my heart still belongs to some one else.

I feel emotionally and mentally lost. I go thru emotions of being sad, being hurt, feeling sorry for the other person, worrying about them instead of me, worrying about if they are happy, worrying about the decisions they are making.

At times I feel perfectly fine and as if I am over them, and then minutes later I feel like I could cry for hours. I constantly have a knot in my chest, and some times I feel like I can't breathe.

I find myself constantly checking my phone for a text, e-mail, or phone call. Some times when I come home I hope to see their car in the parking lot waiting for me. Even though I know that it would never happen, I still hope for it to happen, and I don't know why.

I don't understand why I am not able to fully accept that this person no longer loves me and that they love some one else. That they don't want to be with me, and that they are happier with some one else. It's a devastating feeling.

3 weeks ago I was feeling up beat and happy to move forward. I felt like my heart was healing and I was starting to feel some what better. I no longer felt as if I was going to die from a broken heart.

Currently...I feel like my heart is turning in to a black piece of coal. I look at people's relationship and think, "Ha that's not going to last." It makes me feel horrible. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have a hardened heart. I want to believe in love. I want to believe in love that lasts. I want to believe that there is a loving, caring, God loving man out there for me.
But the majority of me doesn't believe that that exists, at least not for me.

Part of me wants to just be alone and not let any one in again. I don't want to experience heart break again. I don't want to be told I love you by another person, just to have them turn around and decide they no longer want to be with me, that they no longer love me. I don't believe that it is possible to truly love some one and then out of no where one day decide they aren't who you want to be with and then a week after having ended it you are with another person and not even a month later you are telling that new person that you love them. To me that isn't a person who truly loved some one. You don't do that. I would never do that. I don't have that in me. I can't imagine doing that to someone. I can't imagine how I would be able to function every day knowing I hurt some one that deeply.

I'm just so sick of hurting. I'm sick of feeling like my heart is going to give out. I'm sick of feeling like there is an elephant on my chest. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of hoping. I'm sick of believing in something and some one who in the end doesn't mean what they say. I'm sick of feeling so alone, especially late at night. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not enough. I'm sick of feeling unwanted. I'm sick of feeling like I failed in some way as a girlfriend.

I find myself feeling as if I am just having a bad dream, and that I just want to wake up and everything be back to normal. I know God has a plan, and I am trying to accept that obviously this person was not his plan for me.

It's a struggle though because my heart wants that person to be God's plan for me. But another part of me doesn't want them to be his plan for me, because why would I want some one who doesn't value me, and doesn't truly care for me or truly love me. Some one who use to tell me how they wanted to marry me and that they were so lucky to have me and then literally out of no where decided I wasn't what they wanted.

I feel so mentally and emotionally messed up from this whole situation. I feel torn with still wanting to be with this person and not wanting to be with them. Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just move forward and not want to go back. Why can't I just shut my heart off and move forward?

All I can continue to do is pray. I know that my heart ache won't fade for a long time, and as much as I wish it would just go away, I have to tell myself that there is something to learn from all of this and later on I will be thankful to have gone through this.

If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought I'd be where I am today, I would have said, "Well that's a horrible thing to think of, that would never happen."

It's very sad how people can change in to some one you don't know and hurt you in ways you wouldn't think they would.

I would have never expected this, hell, I was blind sided by all of this.

Now I'm just broken.