Today has been a trying day. I've tried to keep positive all day.
I had moments where I was happy or laughing...
but mainly I had moments where I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up with tears.
It's Halloween...I didn't imagine a simple holiday such as this one to be difficult.
I figured it would start with Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, etc, etc.
But nope.
It started today.
I've been alone most of the day, so of course that means a lot of time with out me talking out loud, which then means LOTS of talking in my head, and thoughts.
Not so many good or positive thoughts.
Mainly negative and hurtful thoughts that brought me to tears countless times.
I of course did my best to shut the tears/gut wrenching feeling in my stomach off as soon as I could.
This is the first Halloween I've spent solo in over 5 years. It would have been my 7th year spending Halloween with "him" and his wonderful family.
I missed them so much tonight.
It was a tradition that I'd go over and either go trick or treating with his siblings, or I'd hand candy out while I sat and drank wine with his mother and aunt and of course him.
This year I was at home with my dad and step mom handing out candy to the little trick or treaters.
It was fun and I enjoyed the nice quiet time and conversation I got to spend with my family.
But it still didn't take away the heart ache I felt today and all of tonight.
I thought that I had gotten it under control, but once I retreated upstairs to shower it became all too much.
I broke down in the shower and then composed myself enough to make it to my room and to say my good nights to every one. Then once I got into my room and closed my door the tears came pouring out.
I'm currently sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I have come to despise crying. I'm worn out from it.
I'm sick of this feeling that my heart is going to just stop from all the pain.
I know that it is a dramatic statement, but that is just simply how I feel.
I'm sick of the knot in my stomach, the pain in my chest, the constant flow of tears, the uncontrollable shakes I get when I cry, the dark circles under my eyes, the lack of sleep, the lack of appetite, the swollen eyes I get after I've cried, the simple feeling of emptiness.
I go through modes where I wish I would never have even met him. Then I wouldn't be experiencing this heart ache, but then I also realize I wouldn't have experienced all the experiences and growth I've had the past 5 and 1/2 years.
I am currently fluctuating with praying to God for answers and for comfort, and then with also feeling like...What's the point...it's obviously not working....I obviously don't feel better...I'm just meant to be miserable.
I know I am not suppose to think that way. I know that it isn't how God wants me to think and that the negative thoughts are Satan trying to bring me down and break me. I feel like I am a failure and weak because I feel like lately I am unable to fight off the negative thoughts and stay positive.
I don't want to feel that way.
I don't want to feel weak.
I want to feel comforted again.
I want to feel and believe that this situation is meant to bring good in my life.
For me to learn and grow from it.
But it feels so difficult to see the good.
I feel like I am going to be stuck feeling like this forever.
I know deep down that isn't true.
But it sure feels true right now.
I just feel defeated and un-fixable.
There is something in me that feels like I don't want to be fixed, but I know deep down I truly do.
No one wants to be miserable, no one wants to feel broken, no one wants to hurt.
I just feel like right now I am too weak to even try and fight this battle of emotions.
I feel so weak.
"Someone To Save You"
Patience
Took you for everything
Looked like a diamond ring
You are so much longer
That made sense
Apathy in disguise
Crept on you like a spy
Hurt you in ways
You can't describe
[Bridge]
Back to the start now
I wont let you go this way now
[Chorus]
Honesty
Is what you need
It sets you free
Like someone to save you
Let it go
But hurry now
Theres undertow
And I don't want to lose you now
All right
Sit down and spill your heart
Lets start from the very start
Cause i can see by your eyes
You're wasted
Your energy comes and goes
You taking your time, you know
Nothing can change what happened, you know
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
Now
Now
Oh my
Look at your bright stars fade so
How much can you take?
[Chorus]
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na [x14]
I said to save you
Save you
Save you
Someone to save you
What you need is
Someone to save you
I had moments where I was happy or laughing...
but mainly I had moments where I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up with tears.
It's Halloween...I didn't imagine a simple holiday such as this one to be difficult.
I figured it would start with Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, etc, etc.
But nope.
It started today.
I've been alone most of the day, so of course that means a lot of time with out me talking out loud, which then means LOTS of talking in my head, and thoughts.
Not so many good or positive thoughts.
Mainly negative and hurtful thoughts that brought me to tears countless times.
I of course did my best to shut the tears/gut wrenching feeling in my stomach off as soon as I could.
This is the first Halloween I've spent solo in over 5 years. It would have been my 7th year spending Halloween with "him" and his wonderful family.
I missed them so much tonight.
It was a tradition that I'd go over and either go trick or treating with his siblings, or I'd hand candy out while I sat and drank wine with his mother and aunt and of course him.
This year I was at home with my dad and step mom handing out candy to the little trick or treaters.
It was fun and I enjoyed the nice quiet time and conversation I got to spend with my family.
But it still didn't take away the heart ache I felt today and all of tonight.
I thought that I had gotten it under control, but once I retreated upstairs to shower it became all too much.
I broke down in the shower and then composed myself enough to make it to my room and to say my good nights to every one. Then once I got into my room and closed my door the tears came pouring out.
I'm currently sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I have come to despise crying. I'm worn out from it.
I'm sick of this feeling that my heart is going to just stop from all the pain.
I know that it is a dramatic statement, but that is just simply how I feel.
I'm sick of the knot in my stomach, the pain in my chest, the constant flow of tears, the uncontrollable shakes I get when I cry, the dark circles under my eyes, the lack of sleep, the lack of appetite, the swollen eyes I get after I've cried, the simple feeling of emptiness.
I go through modes where I wish I would never have even met him. Then I wouldn't be experiencing this heart ache, but then I also realize I wouldn't have experienced all the experiences and growth I've had the past 5 and 1/2 years.
I am currently fluctuating with praying to God for answers and for comfort, and then with also feeling like...What's the point...it's obviously not working....I obviously don't feel better...I'm just meant to be miserable.
I know I am not suppose to think that way. I know that it isn't how God wants me to think and that the negative thoughts are Satan trying to bring me down and break me. I feel like I am a failure and weak because I feel like lately I am unable to fight off the negative thoughts and stay positive.
I don't want to feel that way.
I don't want to feel weak.
I want to feel comforted again.
I want to feel and believe that this situation is meant to bring good in my life.
For me to learn and grow from it.
But it feels so difficult to see the good.
I feel like I am going to be stuck feeling like this forever.
I know deep down that isn't true.
But it sure feels true right now.
I just feel defeated and un-fixable.
There is something in me that feels like I don't want to be fixed, but I know deep down I truly do.
No one wants to be miserable, no one wants to feel broken, no one wants to hurt.
I just feel like right now I am too weak to even try and fight this battle of emotions.
I feel so weak.
"Someone To Save You"
Patience
Took you for everything
Looked like a diamond ring
You are so much longer
That made sense
Apathy in disguise
Crept on you like a spy
Hurt you in ways
You can't describe
[Bridge]
Back to the start now
I wont let you go this way now
[Chorus]
Honesty
Is what you need
It sets you free
Like someone to save you
Let it go
But hurry now
Theres undertow
And I don't want to lose you now
All right
Sit down and spill your heart
Lets start from the very start
Cause i can see by your eyes
You're wasted
Your energy comes and goes
You taking your time, you know
Nothing can change what happened, you know
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
Now
Now
Oh my
Look at your bright stars fade so
How much can you take?
[Chorus]
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na [x14]
I said to save you
Save you
Save you
Someone to save you
What you need is
Someone to save you
No comments:
Post a Comment