Late nights have been getting to me a lot lately.
I find that I am unable to sleep, so I go to bed late (like tonight) and I wake up exhausted.
That causes me to feel beat down through out the day, and I think it kicks my emotions in to high gear because I feel a lot more emotional and on the verge of tears. I have had constant highs and lows these past few days.
Today was no different.
I woke up exhausted but I was feeling fine this morning. I felt happy and I was fine as I got ready for work. Then as I was driving to work I started to feel a bit down and the knot like feeling in the pit of my stomach that I thought I had finally gotten rid of after 3 months returned in full force. That led me to start to feel sad and down.
Feelings of being unwanted and not good enough all of a sudden flooded my mind.
I quickly said a little prayer to get rid of the horrible feelings, and after a few minutes I felt a bit better.
As the day went on I was pretty neutral with how I was feeling, but as it started to get later in the day and the "sleepyness" was kicking in even more, I started to feel that knot again in my stomach. Then I started to feel irritable and all of these thoughts and questions started filling my head. I had the feeling to cry sweep through me countless times, but I refused to let any tears leave my eyes. I fight crying now. I hold it in and do what ever it takes to not cry. I know that it's not good...but I am sick of crying, how many more months can I waste crying. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. Especially because what/who I am crying about obviously doesn't feel the same way I do.
I am alone in how I am feeling.
If that person isn't crying over me...then why should I allow myself to cry over them? Why do I even have to cry over them? Why does my heart have to feel the aching that it feels? I am sick of having puffy eyes from crying so much, I'm sick of the dark circles under my eyes that I have to cover up with make up so that I don't feel gross. I'm sick of this constant pain in my chest, feeling as if my heart is going to give out.
Now I don't feel like this all the time, and as time has gone by I start to feel it a little less each day. But then there are days like these past few, where it just becomes overwhelming and I just feel completely overwhelmed and broken and all I want to do is hide from the world and cry until I have not one tear left in me.
But I don't allow myself to do so. Instead I try and change what ever it is I am thinking about or I just simply bite my lip and tough out the wave of emotion that rolls through my body until I feel as if I can take a breath and not instantly cry.
I just feel beat down. I feel defeated in a way.
I feel like it's a constant fight to stay positive and I am constantly battling not thinking about the depressing or painful things that pop into my head. It's a battle to not feel the heart ache I feel. When will it end? When will my heart not feel broken? When will I feel happy all the time, and not just at random times in the day? When will I be able to look or do certain things and not be reminded of the past? When will my heart accept that what my heart wants is simply just that...it is only what my heart wants. It's not what he wants. He's made that perfectly clear. When will I be able to fully accept that so that I can move forward in my life and not hold on to what is no longer there?
I honestly don't know when that will be. I just don't know.
Times and feelings like these are when I reach for the scripture the most.
I really need a GIANT big tight hug from God right now. I need him to hold me extra tight and tell me everything will be okay, that he has a plan for me, and that when he thinks it's time he will reveal it to me.
It's times like these that I really wish I still had my mom too...
I would do anything to have her hug me and tell me how much she loves me and all those sweet motherly things that moms say to their daughters.
But that isn't and never will be a possibility for me.
So I will just have to hold on to this and wrap this scripture tight around me for tonight.
You have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy. - John 16:22
I find that I am unable to sleep, so I go to bed late (like tonight) and I wake up exhausted.
That causes me to feel beat down through out the day, and I think it kicks my emotions in to high gear because I feel a lot more emotional and on the verge of tears. I have had constant highs and lows these past few days.
Today was no different.
I woke up exhausted but I was feeling fine this morning. I felt happy and I was fine as I got ready for work. Then as I was driving to work I started to feel a bit down and the knot like feeling in the pit of my stomach that I thought I had finally gotten rid of after 3 months returned in full force. That led me to start to feel sad and down.
Feelings of being unwanted and not good enough all of a sudden flooded my mind.
I quickly said a little prayer to get rid of the horrible feelings, and after a few minutes I felt a bit better.
As the day went on I was pretty neutral with how I was feeling, but as it started to get later in the day and the "sleepyness" was kicking in even more, I started to feel that knot again in my stomach. Then I started to feel irritable and all of these thoughts and questions started filling my head. I had the feeling to cry sweep through me countless times, but I refused to let any tears leave my eyes. I fight crying now. I hold it in and do what ever it takes to not cry. I know that it's not good...but I am sick of crying, how many more months can I waste crying. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. Especially because what/who I am crying about obviously doesn't feel the same way I do.
I am alone in how I am feeling.
If that person isn't crying over me...then why should I allow myself to cry over them? Why do I even have to cry over them? Why does my heart have to feel the aching that it feels? I am sick of having puffy eyes from crying so much, I'm sick of the dark circles under my eyes that I have to cover up with make up so that I don't feel gross. I'm sick of this constant pain in my chest, feeling as if my heart is going to give out.
Now I don't feel like this all the time, and as time has gone by I start to feel it a little less each day. But then there are days like these past few, where it just becomes overwhelming and I just feel completely overwhelmed and broken and all I want to do is hide from the world and cry until I have not one tear left in me.
But I don't allow myself to do so. Instead I try and change what ever it is I am thinking about or I just simply bite my lip and tough out the wave of emotion that rolls through my body until I feel as if I can take a breath and not instantly cry.
I just feel beat down. I feel defeated in a way.
I feel like it's a constant fight to stay positive and I am constantly battling not thinking about the depressing or painful things that pop into my head. It's a battle to not feel the heart ache I feel. When will it end? When will my heart not feel broken? When will I feel happy all the time, and not just at random times in the day? When will I be able to look or do certain things and not be reminded of the past? When will my heart accept that what my heart wants is simply just that...it is only what my heart wants. It's not what he wants. He's made that perfectly clear. When will I be able to fully accept that so that I can move forward in my life and not hold on to what is no longer there?
I honestly don't know when that will be. I just don't know.
Times and feelings like these are when I reach for the scripture the most.
I really need a GIANT big tight hug from God right now. I need him to hold me extra tight and tell me everything will be okay, that he has a plan for me, and that when he thinks it's time he will reveal it to me.
It's times like these that I really wish I still had my mom too...
I would do anything to have her hug me and tell me how much she loves me and all those sweet motherly things that moms say to their daughters.
But that isn't and never will be a possibility for me.
So I will just have to hold on to this and wrap this scripture tight around me for tonight.
You have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy. - John 16:22
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