when i get honest

“When I get honest, I admit I’m a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged. I love and I hate. I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games… To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.” - Brennan Manning

I came across this quote the other day and I feel like it described who I am perfectly.
Everything about it is so TRUE.

I believe and I doubt...I hope, yet I get discouraged.

I am truly struggling with believing and doubting a lot lately.

I find myself being hopeful for certain situations lately...and then I find myself feeling extremely discouraged, and especially defeated.

I find myself fighting so hard to stay positive, especially the past few days, but I have been fighting off negative feelings and thoughts that bring me down.

It's a daily battle for me. But the more I grow in my relationship with God, the easier the fight becomes.
These past few months I have truly become so close to my sweet savior, and even though these few months have been filled with so much pain, heart ache, tears, anger, and such sadness...they have also been filled with comfort, love, support, and happiness from those around me and especially from Jesus.
I wouldn't trade these past few months for anything.

Even though I have been so heart broken, weak, hopeless, depressed, disappointed, and broken...I know that I wouldn't have grown in my relationship with God with out having gone through all of this.
We go through trials in our lives because that is simply LIFE.
But God is there with us holding our hands through each and every trial.
You just have to reach out and grab on to his hand and put your faith in Him and know that he has a plan for you, and that as long as you have faith and hope in Him then he won't steer you wrong.

My favorite part though in that entire quote is this:

In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.

That brings me comfort.
That helps me through each day, especially the rough negative ones.
<3