when i get honest

“When I get honest, I admit I’m a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged. I love and I hate. I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games… To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.” - Brennan Manning

I came across this quote the other day and I feel like it described who I am perfectly.
Everything about it is so TRUE.

I believe and I doubt...I hope, yet I get discouraged.

I am truly struggling with believing and doubting a lot lately.

I find myself being hopeful for certain situations lately...and then I find myself feeling extremely discouraged, and especially defeated.

I find myself fighting so hard to stay positive, especially the past few days, but I have been fighting off negative feelings and thoughts that bring me down.

It's a daily battle for me. But the more I grow in my relationship with God, the easier the fight becomes.
These past few months I have truly become so close to my sweet savior, and even though these few months have been filled with so much pain, heart ache, tears, anger, and such sadness...they have also been filled with comfort, love, support, and happiness from those around me and especially from Jesus.
I wouldn't trade these past few months for anything.

Even though I have been so heart broken, weak, hopeless, depressed, disappointed, and broken...I know that I wouldn't have grown in my relationship with God with out having gone through all of this.
We go through trials in our lives because that is simply LIFE.
But God is there with us holding our hands through each and every trial.
You just have to reach out and grab on to his hand and put your faith in Him and know that he has a plan for you, and that as long as you have faith and hope in Him then he won't steer you wrong.

My favorite part though in that entire quote is this:

In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.

That brings me comfort.
That helps me through each day, especially the rough negative ones.
<3

dear god

Dear God,

I do my best to not ask for much for myself when I pray. Instead I pray for my family,for my friends and people they know, for people I've possibly only met once or a few times, and for people I don't even know. I do my best to pray for others before I pray for myself.
When it comes to praying for myself, all I usually ask of you my sweet Jesus is that you show me what path you want me to go down, and what it is you want for me in my life.

Tonight though I would like to ask for something...

Lord, I pray that when you think the time is right and when you think I am at a place in my life where I am on the path you want, I ask Lord that you bless me with a man that won't break my heart. I pray that you bless me with a man who truly loves me and who would never purposely deceive me. I pray that you bless me with a man who loves you Lord more than he loves me. I pray that you bless me with a man who values you just as much as I value you. I pray that you bless me with a man who is sweet and who communicates with me when there are issues, instead of shutting down and shutting me out. I pray Lord that he loves my family and that he realizes how important my family is to me. I pray Lord that he can make me laugh. I pray Lord that he won't make me cry, at least not on purpose. I pray Lord that he falls in love with my grandma and realizes how much she means to me. I pray Lord that he respects and loves my father. I pray Lord that he makes me feel safe and comforts me when I feel down. I pray Lord that he will know that he wants to marry me. I pray Lord that he will love some of the same things I love Lord. I pray Lord that he will want to go to church with me and that he won't want me to go alone. I pray Lord that no distance will be too far for him to drive for me. I pray Lord that he will love me always and forever. I pray Lord that he will always protect me and never hurt me.

My fear though Lord...is that...that man...doesn't exist.

But what I do know Lord...is that YOU know all things, and I believe that you know the path I am headed down, and you know what is down that path. I believe that even though right now I feel as if their isn't any one out there for me, and part of me feels like I am not meant to have anyone love me...I believe that you have some one for me in my life, and maybe right now isn't the time for them to enter my life yet.

I do know Lord that you answer prayers on your time and when you think it is right.
Not when we as humans think it's right. I need to just learn patience, which will be a challenge because as you know Lord...I am not so patient.

But I do know Lord that you bless people in their lives. I believe that you will bless me with a God loving man some day. I know this because I've witnessed it through a sweet girl that I don't know personally but that I met through blogging.

Her name is Amber Beck, and through reading her blog and reading her story of how she met her husband, it has instilled in me that even though I feel as if Good Men don't exist...her story is a perfect example that they do exist. Her husband is a perfect example that there are good God loving men out there. Their love and relationship with one another is such a good example of how a husband and wife should be, and just how a relationship should be as well.
I feel as if you my sweet Jesus led me to read her story in order to answer my questions of, "Do good men exist? Am I suppose to be alone?" The answer is no. You Lord will bless me with the man you want me to be with when you feel the time is right.

I just need to trust and put my whole heart in to you Lord. I love you Lord.

In Jesus name Amen.

<3 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

once upon a time

Once upon a time
A girl with moonlight in her eyes
Put her hand in mine,
And said she loved me so...
But that was once upon a time...
Very long ago

Once upon a hill
We sat beneath a willow tree
Counting all the stars
And waiting for the dawn
But that was once upon a time,
Now the tree is gone

How the breeze ruffled through her hair
How we always laughed
As though tomorrow wasn't there...
We were young
And didn't have a care
Where did it go?

Once upon a time
the world was sweeter than we knew
Everything was ours
How happy we were then
But somehow once upon a time
Never comes again...

what does love mean...

I received this in an e-mail from my dad, and I thought it was profound that the meaning of love was so simple to these kids.

I think as you get older, you complicate what love is and that makes relationships complicated.

Everyone should try and have the perspective of love like these children do. I know that I am learning new things about love, relationships and trust each and every day, and I apply them to my life and to how I handle different situations now.

What Love means to a 4-8 year old ....

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

---

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

---

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

---

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

---

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

---

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

---

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

---

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

---

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6

(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

---

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

---

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

---

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

---

'My mommy loves me more than anybody

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6

---

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

---

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7

---

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

---

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

---

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

---

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6

---

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8

---

And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

food for thought

People tend to get so caught up in life and relationships focusing mainly on the hiccups or errors people make. Yes people make mistakes, yes people fail one another at times, yes NO ONE is perfect, yes people may hurt you at times, some times it's accidental and sometimes it's purposely.

But you are given two choices.
1. You can either forgive them for their failures,hiccups,mistakes,hurtfulness
or
2. You can hold on to it, or tell them that you "forgive them" but you'll "never forget."
Here is the error in that last statement...I'll forgive you but I'll never forget...well in reality...that is not forgiveness at all.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

But, most people, in reality, choose to hold on to all the hurt and/or failures that their significant other, family member, or close friend in their life have done. I personally think that people forget the big picture...we are all human. We are all imperfect, AND sometimes we have unrealistic expectations.
Joel Osteen made such a great point in one of his blog entries I read.
He said, "...even the best people will fail us at times. We have to choose forgiveness because it is not up to anyone in our lives to keep us happy; that is our own responsibility. "

That statement is so unbelievably true, and I feel like every one forgets that. It's no one else's responsibility to make you happy. It's our own responsibility to makes ourselves happy. It's not fair to expect someone else to take on that responsibility. That is an unrealistic expectation. If you think about it...if you aren't able to make yourself happy...how do you expect someone else to be able to make you happy?? And do you think it's really fair to expect that out of them...when you yourself are unable to do so?
The answer is no, it's not fair, and that is what people forget and overlook.


I think that if everyone reminded themselves that saying each time they were upset with their significant other, family member, or close friend that people wouldn't fight or hold on to as much stuff as they do. Relationships wouldn't be as dysfunctional, couples wouldn't fight over petty issues, family members wouldn't argue over insignificant issues. Now some issues may be serious issues...but if you were to take a step back and think about that saying...then I feel like you would be able to think...you know they did this and I feel hurt by it or I am upset by it...but they are human and they aren't perfect and if I approach the situation in a different manner or if I cut them some slack because I don't think it was their intention to purposely do this, then you'd be a lot happier. Couples would be happier, friends would be happier, families would be happier.

Joel Osteen makes another point that so many people overlook or don't even think about. He states:

"The perfect spouse does not exist, We would avoid a lot of
disappointments by simply understanding that no matter how much we
love people, no matter how much they love us, at some point, they
won't live up to our expectations, or they will hurt our feelings in
some way. But when we get our eyes off their shortcomings and on to
Jesus, we open the door for His grace and healing in our
relationships. We open the door for love which is all that matters in
eternity."

The part that stands out the most to me is:
We would avoid a lot of disappointments by simply understanding that no matter how much we love people, no matter how much they love us, at some point, they won't live up to our expectations, or they will hurt our feelings in some way.


How TRUE that statement is. Up until I read that particular post in his blog, I never saw it that way, I never would have come to this realization. These statements he has made have had a huge impact with how I will choose to react and handle situations with my family, friends, and future significant other. I will continue to remind myself that NO ONE IS PERFECT, we are all human and we have flaws, my happiness is MY responsibility and no one else's, any happiness I experience from ANYONE else is a BONUS. I feel like that is how we should all view our relationships. I think a lot more people would be happy, a lot more relationships would succeed, a lot more marriages would last, a lot more families would still be a "family" and not a divided one, a lot more friends would still be friends and not enemies. How much easier do you think relationships would be? I personally think they would be a lot easier and people would be a lot happier.

It's just some food for thought.

the perfect insight...joel osteen

I have become a big fan of Joel Osteen these past couple of months. His insight and words always seem to speak to me at the perfect time. I recently was on his blog and I came across some of his entries and I pulled different parts of different topics off to share because I have found them so real and comforting, especially with how I've been feeling lately.

"Remember, as believers in Jesus, we are His body, His hands and feet in the earth. We are His voice; we are His representatives. Look for ways to encourage the people around you even if you are the one who needs encouragement. Like seeds, those words of life go out and then a harvest of blessings returns in your own life. Keep speaking, keep loving and keep honoring God with your words and actions and let Him pour out His love and blessing in your own life in return!"

"The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life" (John 6:63, NIV).



John 15:13 tells us that "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). This scripture is talking about the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus made to pay the price so that we can spend eternity with Him, but every day we have the opportunity to "lay down" ourselves for the people in our lives. Making sacrifices and giving to others of our time, abilities and resources is how we show our love. It's easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day activities of life. Most people spend their days maxed out, but we have to make the effort to communicate our love to our family and friends.


MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE BLOG POST OF HIS, definitely hits home for me right now:

Everyone goes through difficulties and painful situations in life. In fact, scripture tells us that in this world we will have tribulations and trials. I’ve heard it said that the life of faith is not about the absence of problems, but the presence of power—God’s power at work in us leading us to the place of wholeness and victory. He promises to take those things that the enemy meant for evil and turn them around for our good. It says in Romans 8 that He causes all things to work together for our good because we love Him.
In his book, The Heart Revolution, my friend, Sergio De La Mora puts it this way: “Without God’s perspective, we miss out on some of His greatest lessons found in this tension between joy and tribulation. Think of a car battery. It fulfills its purpose through its power that comes from both a positive and a negative current running through it. When a car battery runs out of power, we give it a jump-start by hooking up both the positive and negative cables. The tension of joy and tribulation in our lives works the same way. We need both positive and negative currents to energize our purpose and call.”
Today, I want to encourage you, no matter what you may be facing, no matter what you may have been through in the past, God is not the author of destruction; He is the author of life and peace. He didn’t bring that difficulty into your life, but He can use it to launch you forward into your destiny. John 16:33 tells us that even though we have challenges, we can be of good cheer because He has overcome the world and deprived it of power to harm you. When you put your hope in God, you will never be disappointed! Keep your heart and mind open to Him, keep meditating on His Word, and let Him revolutionize your heart and life!



Last but not least a very good insight on relationships and the set expectations we go in with:

"People enter relationships with set standards and expectations. When people do not meet the standards we set, we become disenchanted with the relationship, allowing disappointment and frustration to set in. It's easy to get along with people when everything is going great and others are acting exactly the way we want them to. But what happens when something goes wrong and our feelings get hurt? If you're not careful, you'll begin to focus on the unmet expectations which will affect your attitude, and ultimately, your relationship.

But it doesn't have to be that way if we will just learn to have realistic expectations and let people off the hook. We can avoid a lot of heartache by simply giving people room to be human. We have to accept the fact that nobody is perfect, and even the best people will fail us at times. We have to choose forgiveness because it is not up to anyone in our lives to keep us happy; that is our own responsibility. Too often, we want our mate to cheer us up when we are down; we expect our partner to always be loving and kind. We expect our boss to recognize our hard work and our friends to always be there for us. But those are unrealistic expectations. The perfect spouse does not exist, nor does the perfect boss, nor the perfect friend. We would avoid a lot of disappointments by simply understanding that no matter how much we love people, no matter how much they love us, at some point, they won't live up to our expectations, or they will hurt our feelings in some way. But when we get our eyes off their shortcomings and on to Jesus, we open the door for His grace and healing in our relationships. We open the door for love which is all that matters in eternity."

utah round two

Hello Sunday!

Yesterday I decided last minute that I was going to drive up to Utah for a couple of hours again and surprise my Gram Cracker. I just can't get enough of her and I love the look on her face when she comes to the door and sees that it's me.

She always makes me feel wanted and loved and I would drive the 2 hours it takes to get to her house every day if I could. She is the happiest person I know and when I am feeling down or just having a bad day, she turns it right around.

I took some video of her singing my favorite songs that she sings to me when she leaves me voicemails. These videos will be such a treasure as I grow older and especially when she is no longer around. Oh I don't know what I will do with out her. I love her oh so so much! I am so blessed.

<3


off to Utah

almost there

pulled over on the back road to take some photos :)




my favorite part of the back road



Our Mountain <3


"Oh my God, you little shit!"

love of my life





"If I Say I Love You"


"Hut Sut Roll"


funny faces with gram cracker


headed back to Vegas

driving the back road at night is an adventure

moon

hello Vegas

she was so happy I was home

future mission...

A few days ago I came across a blog of a Christian woman missionary. I read a few of her posts and felt as if God was tugging at my heart to read more. As I continued to read on I noticed at the top of the page there was a headline box that said: We Make Missions Possible, Join us in 2012.

I again felt God tugging on my heart to click the link. So I did.

I was then brought to a website called Adventure in Missions. I went and read what they were about and the more I read the more I started to feel this fire in me start to burn. I want to experience what these people experience...I want to minister to people who don't know God...I want to worship with them.
The more I read the more I yearned to want to be a part of all of this. I then found the types of missions offered, the different lengths of time you can go on one, the countries you can go to, the specific mission you will be given. I specifically was drawn to the mission to be accomplished in Thailand. They go to Thailand and focus on the women snared in prostitution. They listen to the women's stories and they share God with them.

I looked at the different lengths of time you would be on your mission and the option is either 9 days or 11 months. 11 months!! How selfless of an act and what an awesome growth experience one would have.

After looking at the website for over an hour I went back to work...but ever since all I have thought about is that woman's blog and the missions being offered. I truly think I have a deep desire to go on a mission...I've never even thought of ever going on a mission.
I currently have nothing tying me down...nothing holding me back...so why not?
I talked with my dad about it and I told him I was pretty sure I wanted to do it but that I would need to take the next semester off so I could save up, plus I'd leave for my mission while school was still in session so I'd miss final exams. As we talked he told me how it would be an awesome experience and he suggested I pray about it to God. He told me to ask God what it is he wants me to do. So that is exactly what I will be praying ever single night. I know God will show me what it is he wants for me in my life. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me in the next few months.
:)

seeking strength

2 Corinthians 12:9

9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

Oh how I need to repeat this verse to myself all day today.

Today my sister got some news that has our entire family worrying and stressed out.
It hasn't fully sunk in for me, but it's peaked out through out the day.
One minute I am normal, the next my eyes are welling up with tears.

Today I need to truly TRUST in the Lord.
I need to place all of my trust, all of my worries, all of my fears into him.
It's so much easier said than actually done.
I need to not stress, not fear, not worry.
I have no control of what is going to happen.
All I can do is pray.

Pray, Pray, Pray

Earlier I found myself feeling as if maybe if I had prayed more things would be different.
I asked myself...Did I not pray enough? Did I not believe in my prayer enough?
I know that that is not the case.
I know that God heard my prayers...he just possibly has a different plan in mind.
Time will only tell, but I will continue to pray my prayer for my sister.

I need to be strong for my sister, and hope for the best.
A good friend of mine said that to me when I told them I was scared.
That's all I've heard in my head since.
When I feel like crying or I feel stressed and fearful...I just hear in my head:
"Hope for the best."
It is truly all I can do.
All I can do is hope for the best for my sister.
and I will hope for the absolute very best.
and
I will repeat that verse to myself over and over while we get through this.

Amen.

what is love...

That verse in the Bible truly sums up what love is....now if only I could find it.

Goodnight.

day trip to utah via pictures

Decided when I woke up this morning, (more like afternoon since I didn't wake up until noon...sheesh), that I was going to take the day and drive up to Utah to see my Gram Cracker for a few hours and then come back home.

I seriously LOVE random trips up to see her, especially when it's a surprise and she has no idea. The look on her face when she sees me at her front door is priceless and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

She is such a special and important person in my life. I would do anything for her. She has such a sweet soul and I am so blessed to be lucky enough to have her as my Grandma. Love her oodles and oodles of noodles. :)

Anyway here is my trip via photos and I hopefully can get the videos I took uploaded into this.

Off to my wonderful Gram Cracker's I go


hi ho hi ho it's off to gram cracker's I go.
Just outside Vegas, loved the rain.


"The Back Road"
(my absolute favorite part of the drive)


stopped to pick flowers on the back road

flower power :)

almost to Gram Cracker's house

my grandma refers to this as "Our" mountain, it's her favorite view from her house and mine too

finally made it to gram crackers house, now time to surprise her



Grams reaction to me coming up, priceless :)

she was so excited I was there, that is her excited face :)


going through old photos and we came across an old family portrait of my family...made me miss my mom a lot. But I know she is always with me. <3


my grandma gave me this because she knows it's my favorite
(she's the best)


the drive back was pitch black

Mama and my song :)

Perfect for the drive home


Hello Vegas

Home


Today couldn't have been more perfect!
The weather was perfect, I LOVE the rain.
I got to spend some much needed "me" time on my drive.
I sang my heart out to my favorite music, especially on the way back.
(I pulled out some OLD school Nsync)
I got to spend some much needed time with my most favorite woman in the world.
I got to lay around on her couch and laugh and talk with her.
Then after a few hours I unfortunately had to leave and head home. :(
But I am so thankful that I have the ability to drive up just a few hours from Vegas to Utah to see my sweet grandma and come back in the same day.
I love that drive, and I love my gram cracker time.

Today was the perfect Sunday.

show me what i'm looking for

Lately I have been finding it a lot easier to express how I'm feeling through different songs that I hear or listen to daily. Tonight is no different. The song below perfectly pertains to how I've been feeling lately.
Last night I picked up my Bible to find something that would uplift my spirit because lately I have been feeling extremely negative and down. I didn't know exactly what I was going to read in the Bible last night, I just randomly decided that I was going to look in Proverbs and I read proverbs based on what the date is of the current day. So I checked my phone and it was 1 am on November 3rd. So I went to open my Bible to Proverbs 3 and I literally opened directly to that page.
Now I do not know the Bible well enough to know exactly where Proverbs is and so I was astonished by that, but little did I know God was speaking directly to me last night. I looked at the title of Proverbs 3 and it is titled:
Trusting in the Lord
I sat back and started laughing to myself because lately I have been allowing negative thoughts over power my mind and I truly haven't been putting any trust in to my sweet Jesus like I know I should. But wait, it gets better, as I started to read Proverbs 3 I saw verse 5-6, it stated:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

I set my Bible down and out loud said, "Well Lord, you have my attention."

I never use to recognize how God would speak to me. I always thought that when people said that God spoke to them that they meant they actually heard him speaking to them in their heads.
I use to feel like maybe I wasn't a true believer, but I realized that I just wasn't opening up my heart and eyes to see and allow God to speak to me. The more I open my heart to my Jesus, the more he speaks to me daily. I hate to admit it but I have been shutting my sweet Jesus out the past few weeks.
I have been feeling so weak from all the negative thoughts that I have let over take my mind that I just felt like giving up. I felt like giving in to this being my life and that I was just going to be miserable and depressed. I didn't feel like I had the strength to battle the negative thoughts and the depression I've been feeling, and I was just about to let it completely take me and swallow me whole. But yesterday while I talked with my dad I came to realize and finally admit that I hadn't been reaching out and trusting in God like I had a few weeks ago. I knew that I needed to change that. I needed to get back to truly putting all of my faith in God and NOT depending on trying to fix everything on my own.
I am not strong enough to battle the depression I feel at times or the negative thoughts I hear, BUT my sweet beloved God IS.
Through Him I can accomplish and do anything.
How powerful is that? It's extremely overwhelming for me, especially because I have felt so helpless these past few weeks. I have felt so alone. Tears well up in my eyes when I say that simple line to myself...

Through Him I can accomplish and do anything.


God is so amazing, he is beautiful, magnificent, he is my sweet savior.


With that I will leave you with a song that I was listening to while I was editing tonight.
It brings me back to their concert that I attended and how this song in particular moves me to this day.





CAROLINA LIAR: SHOW ME WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

in the pain, there is healing

Lifehouse - Broken



The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

"when ever your world starts crashing down..."

Onerepublic
"All Fall Down"

Step out the door and it feels like rain
That's the sound (that's the sound) on your window pane
Take to the streets but you can't ignore
That's the sound (that's the sound) you're waiting for

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's where you'll find me

Yeah God love your soul and your aching bones
Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below
Everyone's the same
our fingers to our toes
We just can't get it right
But we're on the road

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's when you find me.

(Yeah) Lost till you're found
Swim till you drown

Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate
Strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
If ever your world starts crashing down
That's when you'll find (find) me

Lost till you're found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate
Strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

All fall down, we all fall down, all fall down
We all fall down, all fall down, all fall down

Lost till you're found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate
Strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

house sitting for the day

So all day yesterday I sat at a customers house while the plumbers came to work on things. I didn't realize that I was going to be there all day so all I brought was my phone and my planner.
I entertained myself with my phone for as long as I could before it completely died...and there was only so much I could go over in my planner until I simply just started doodling in it.
Then of course the rest of the time I just sat in quiet thinking about lots and lots of things.
Most of the things that came into my thoughts were negative thoughts that only made me tear up.

Today I am back at our customers house...but this time I came prepared.
Laptop - Check! Water - Check! Snacks - Check! Phone - Check! Homework - Check!


I figured this would be the perfect time to work on my English essay that is due Thursday...and I have yet to even finish my book, let alone start my essay. So that is what my plan of attack is for the day while I sit here and house sit.

But I will say I get distracted easily...and instead of starting on my reading like I planned...this took place for an hour and a half:














Now I will actually go and work on my reading for my essay.

<3